*I ramble so much; I made a short story almost too long but it all just flowed out, so yeah.
I cut my hair last night. On my own, in the bathroom at about 11:56 PM, without talking to anyone about it first.
*rewind noise* Let’s take a step backwards now.
I growing up. And my mom rocks because she’s helped me really see that. And since things have gotten tough and I hit eighteen and have gone through some self discovery, she’s been really cool about actually letting me grow up. And, with the whole divorce thing going on, I will be getting no child support because, well, to the state, I’m a legal adult. I don’t count as a child anymore. And besides that my parents for the past couple years have been saying, “yes, Jamie, we see you as an adult.”
However my mom has actually begun to stand behind her words and has begun letting me make more of decisions on my own. Not that I don’t like running things by her–not at all. She’s just letting me make my own choices instead of making them for me like when I was little. “You are old enough to decide your own standards now.”
Here’s an example: she loved the music of Sweeney Todd but she didn’t like all the gory violence that sadly came with it. But she didn’t give me a bunch of crap for watching the movie, she actually said, “You are old enough to decide what you will put up with, with violence in the movies.” Not that I liked all that gore, I actually closed my eyes to a lot of it. But it was awesome not having her stand at the top of the stairs with her arms folded asking, “What are you watching? I would never watch that, turn that off now.” Instead, she appreciated the music and gave me room to have my own convictions. And that really rocks to be trusted like that.
Now, like I’ve been mentioning here on my blog, I’ve talked several times to my mom that I was thinking about chopping off a lot of my hair. I myself wasn’t exactly sure why I wanted to do this, until I happened to read somewhere that women usually like to cut off their hair after a very traumatic experience and then that all made sense. Nearing a long end of a exhaustive three year ordeal, it was no wonder I was wanting to chop my hair off to my chin and dye it all red and black (don’t worry, it’s actually not that short and I’m not going to dye my hair; that’s just what I felt like doing.) So, with this obviously psychological thought running through my head, I mentioned it to my mom on several occasions; I like getting my mom’s approval on my ideas!
While she didn’t seem too keen on cutting my hair really really short, she didn’t ever say, “I’d rather you not have your hair cut that short” or anything like that. She was actually overall very supportive about my thoughts.
But last night. Everyone was upstairs in their rooms. I was far far away (it feels like) in my room, feeling icky and I decided to take a shower. And I happened to think while getting the water warm, Wow, hey, after I condition my hair, I’ll be able to brush through it and I could cut it tonight! I wouldn’t have to wait anymore! In case none of you have noticed, I’m a spontanous person. I like to jump right into things. So here I was at about 11:30 climbing in the shower thinking: I should just cut my hair tonight. But for about five minutes I had this inward battle.
Shouldn’t I ask mom first? What will she think in the morning when I emerge from my room with my hair no longer reaching my middle back but instead just going past my collar bone? Aww, she knows I’ve been wanting to cut it, it shouldn’t matter. Oh, maybe I should talk to her first– but she’s already gone to bed. Should I just take another shower tomorrow after I talk to her about it tomorrow and do it then? Nawww, that’s no fun, if I don’t do it tonight I won’t want to do it tomorrow!
And then I realized something, a reason why inwardly I was fighting myself so hard against cutting my hair. And it was a rule that my parents had laid out when I was very young. NEVER CUT YOUR HAIR WITH SCISSORS. Who else was told that as a kid? And here I was, feeling a little guilty for thinking about picking up a pair of scissors and snip-snip-snipping. Because what would mom say?
And that’s where I learned this lesson, and where my mom’s graciousness really kicked in. It struck me liking lighting: I’m grown up now. If I want to cut my hair tonight, then I can cut my hair tonight. I’m not a child anymore, I’m a big girl, and I even know what I’m doing! YEAH, I’M CUTTING MY HAIR TONIGHT, WHOO, THIS IS AWESOME!
And I did know what I was doing! I got the tangles out of my curls, leaned over so I was staring at my knees, brushed my hair straight down towards the ground and tied it up right on the top of my head, and I pulled the pony tail in front of my eyes. And I cut it. And it came out in beautiful layers just like I wanted it to.
And guess what; I don’t feel guilty about it. I am excited and a little apprehensive to see my mom’s face when I walk out of my room. But I know that she will support me; because she already has.
And that’s how my mom rocks and that’s how I felt like a giddy grown up last night.
Life lesson learned: growing up means making your own decisions. Sure, you still want to have council from your parents and you don’t want to be foolish, but when it’s time to make the jump into adulthood, you should come out with flying colors if you’ve already been treated that way. I’m thankful my mom has shown that she can start to let go and that she has confidence in me. Because you know what? I now have more confidence in myself.
PS. My hair really is swell, I don’t have pictures of it yet, though. I’ll see how I like it and if I just can’t help it, maybe I will cut it down to Natasha length!