Numb


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Hey, guys, today I wanted to ask for your prayers.

Basically, stress levels are pretty much the same at about the time I did that first post letting you guys know what was going on with my family. To put things as delicately as possible, the source of stress is still living under the same roof, waters are still being stirred, wounds are still being added on top of old wounds that haven’t had time to get better. To heal, I and nearly everyone else needs seperation. So, I’ve been hiding out in my room in the evening (along with my sister) with movies and tv shows and books and music.

And this has been going on for over four weeks. And I feel numb. I feel like I’ve been in limbo for way too long (heck, I’ve been in limbo for almost two years already). I’m tired of trying to dull away my hurt; I seriously need seperation to begin any sort of healing process. However, as of right now, I don’t see that happening for another month at least. I really hope that won’t be too late. I can’t stay frozen like this forever.

I really need your prayers so that I can stay strong for a little longer. I can’t afford to have a mental or emotional breakdown right now. But I’m tired of trying to bottle my feelings up inside of me, of ignoring how I feel. I’m tired of distracting myself. I need to heal. If you could pray that the source of distress and harm would be removed from my home so that a time of healing for both myself and my mom and sister can begin, that would be much appreciated.

I want to grow, I want to heal, I want to move on as soon as possible. I want to learn from this devasting experience.

It’s just hard to do that when I feel numb.

~Jamie

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29 thoughts on “Numb

  1. Praying. Jamie, I wish I had something useful to say…something comforting. But I don’t. So I will pray. What you are doing with your sister and movies and books and music, that sounds like the best thing you could be doing right now…. {internet hugs}

  2. I’ll be praying for you Jamie,
    I know that God will help you in this,
    Blessings and Love,
    Holly,

  3. “But now thus says the Lord, he who created you…he who formed you…’Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you…Fear not, for I am with you.’ ” (Isaiah 43:1-3a, 4a, 5a)

    “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose . . . What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? . . . Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? . . . No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, NOR ANYTHING ELSE in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:28, 31, 35, 37-38)

    “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.” (Psalm 91:1-6)

    “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is PREPARING FOR US AN ETERNAL WEIGHT OF GLORY beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient [temporary, short-lived], but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

    Sorry if this is so long, but these are the verses that I kept thinking of as I sat down to write a comment. Focus, Jamie, focus! Don’t lose heart, sweet Sister! Don’t neglect a quiet time with the Lord; cry out to him, lay your sorrow at his feet. Jesus was a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief”–he knows all our hurts and heartbreaks. Please don’t think I’m trying to preach; I’m just trying to grab your hand across the internet and give you a big hug and urge you to hold onto the truth with whitened knuckles. I have no doubt the Lord is using this to refine and strengthen you and Kayla and your mom. You can’t see it yet because you’re hidden in the cleft of the rock and it all looks black, but eventually the storm will pass and you’ll be able to see God’s back, like Moses.

  4. I’m still with you Jamie. I love you all and know this is very difficult for you. I’m sure your mom is doing the best she can. Just know no one loves you as much as your God. He is still in control of the situation. I’ll always keep lifting you all up in prayer.
    Give hugs from me to your mom. She is truly special.
    Love you so much, Mary

  5. I have been praying for you, and I will continue to pray! I really don’t know anything to say, other than to trust God. It might seem hard to trust God, but He has a purpose and a plan for everything. Just keep reading your Bible and stay focused on God. He will bring you through this.

    You and your family are in my prayers, Jamie! 🙂 *hugs over the internet*

  6. I am so sorry about all of it, Jamie. I’m really terrible expressing conciliatory (that was the wrong word, wasn’t it?) feelings but I really do care. I’ll be praying for you. Keep your head up; the darkest hour is just before dawn. If there’s anything I can do for you, just let me know.

  7. I haven’t been commenting a lot lately because I have been so busy, but I do take the time to read all your posts to every last word. I have been praying for you and your family ever since you first posted. I will continue to pray…I hope you emotionally heal soon. I know it is hard! My mom had cancer for a year, and that emotionally wrecked our family at first. So I really do understand, and I feel sorry that you have to take on this extra burden in your life. Praying!

    1. Thank you so much for your comment, Helen, it means a lot that you still read my posts even though you’re busy! Thank you for your encouragment and understanding! Thank you for your prayers!

      ~Jamie

  8. I’m sorry that things are still bad, Sweetie. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. 🙂

    Sometimes it’s hard to deal with things when they are right in front of you , but also sometimes it helps if you face what is bothering you. Maybe the reason your problem is lingering is because you’re hiding from it. I’m not saying to cause trouble, but hiding from problems never helps. Even if it’s only talking to someone about it, facing the problem will help.

    Best wishes for you and your family.

    Alexandra-

    1. Thank you for your prayers and council, Alexandra! It means a lot that you take the time to share

      I can see where you can get the idea that I am hiding from the problem; the fact is, I tried speaking to my dad twice, I shared my heart and needs with him very clearly twice. His response both times broke my heart and shattered what little trust I had left in him. He hurt me gravely and I hide away now to keep from getting hurt again. He still doesn’t think he has done anything wrong, he believes I was in the wrong for even telling him the things I did and he thinks I wouldn’t feel this way if my opinion of him simply changed. He thinks the problems lie with how I and my sister and Mom see him; he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. There is nothing you can do with a person who cannot admit they are wrong. That is why I’m seperating myself from him, for my own good, and that is why I’m hiding. It takes two to make things work. He is not willing to admit to any wrong whatsoever even when we bring clear offensives to the table. There’s nothing more I can do then wait this out.

      God bless, Jamei

      1. You’re going to love having the whole room to yourself, trust me; and that whole closet, you do realize I’m giving up a closet for you and I’m the one with more clothes!

        ~Jamie

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