Jamie’s 2017

This last year has felt crazy for me, in incredible ways that pushed me to work harder, and love more freely on everyone in my life, from coworkers to my beloved boyfriend ( we’re two years strong and happier than ever) to even myself. I had some wonderful people in my life this year!

I accomplished some big things too, like purchasing my first car debt free. That was huge for me. And I turned 23. AND I flew back to Georgia for a third time in May to visit James, before he then visited me for the first time in December! I made two best friends out of coworkers while working at Dairy Queen this year: my Ashlyn, the devil to my angel, and goofy good ol’ Trent, who I so desperately just want to adopt and protect haha! A beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure. ❤ 😉

It’s been SO. VERY. LONG since I’ve made friends on my own like this, like, friends that can share your heartaches together, have each other’s backs when the pressure of life or work is too much, and cheer for and support you no matter what. Gaining that was HUGE for me this year! Like more than they’ll ever understand due to my past of constantly losing my friends throughout my childhood.

I learned A LOT working at Dairy Queen, but I definitely learned for myself that it is DEFINITELY in my heart to be there for people as the unjudging ear who will listen no matter what because I WANT TO. I LOVE TO. I CARE THAT MUCH. Doing so GAVE ME so many friendships! I definitely felt like my biggest job at work was just to be there for my coworkers, all of them. I love each one so very dearly: I listened to them all when they drove each other crazy, I absorbed the verbal punches, I empathized with their feelings so they wouldn’t feel invalidated and unheard anymore. Even when sometimes it felt like they all hated each other, I felt like they all saw me as their friend, someone who was there for them, and we got through the night together.

I found it incredible how much simply EMPATHIZING with ALL of my coworkers made work-life THAT MUCH BETTER. Besides that, I also felt very valued and loved by my coworkers, especially when I gave my two weeks notice at the end of the year and everyone was just so sad I was leaving. Just wow, it was so heartwarming to have people respond to me so wonderfully! It means to the world to me to have been a part of a family there, even though I’m not there anymore.

The greatest gift from this year was truly knowing there are people who were my friends who loved me very much. I feel very rich with that blessing. Ashlyn and Trent I especially got to know very, very well and they both mean THE ABSOLUTE WORLD TO ME.

Ashlyn is like my twin sister I never knew I was missing; she is so funny and she taught me to speak my mind more! She shares her beautiful two children with me and made me Aunt Jamie. I went to her extended family’s Easter, Halloween, and Thanksgiving parties this past year–she and her mother Eileen made me feel SO WELCOME as a part of their family. Ashlyn and I had some incredible adventures, from late night Wal-Mart shopping, visiting the gym to talk out drama and then eat McDonald’s (haha, we know we’re terrible XD), to racing the little one to the hospital at 1 in the morning. We just absolutely loved working together and being together, to the point that everyone else teased us about it haha! I love her so much, and we still have the best times together! ❤

And Trent. oh my goodness, that kid. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ I won’t share details because I want to keep private things private, but he changed my life so I want to share a little bit of that. And I just freaking love that kid TO UTTER DEATH. I loved working with him; he is so very hysterical! At the same time, he broke my heart in a way I’d yet to experience for another human being. He was that loud obnoxious kid with the heart of gold who just needed to be loved on, just needed some positive attention and encouragement from someone, somewhere, before something just snaps or dies inside. I’ve never felt so much compassion for another person like I did for him. So, all year, I loved on him for who he was and wow, it was such a rewarding experience! It changed my life; my heart grew so much bigger from it! It strengthened my belief that all everyone needs is simply an unconditional love from God which He can show through any of us, if our hearts are open to listen and understand, to see past the surface to the soul within, to not be afraid to love those who feel unlovable. I’m so happy that I got to watch him grow happier and healthier as the year passed and he truly became one of my best friends! I think he’s someone who can change the world with that big generous heart of his. I pray for him every day and can’t wait to see where he’ll go in life. ❤

He and Ashlyn were such BIG parts of making my 2017 incredible, with their gifts of friendship, honesty, love, and mutual support. They both made me feel so loved, needed and valued! Whenever we were in the same room it was like the air had a spark of energy and happiness for me. We laughed so freaking much while we worked so dang hard, and despite all the hardships, we shared so much joy in that little DQ building. I can never thank them enough for giving me so many fantastic memories from this year. ❤

Honestly, working at Dairy Queen this year was very huge in that I was kept very busy all year. I worked very hard. Honestly, I didn’t know I could work so hard, be so tough, push through it all and come out stronger and without it dampering my work attitude, but I did this year.

I came in every single time I picked up Boss’s call to come in on a night off or because she needed help. I worked nine days in a row: twice. Covered so many shifts, came in early, came in the middle of shifts to help out on nights off, pulled unexpected doubles… all while trying my hardest to still be thoughtful of everyone else and keep my aches and pains and moans and groans off the clock. I worked A LOT in 2017. I worked mostly night shifts, and if I didn’t go on an adventure with Eileen and Ashlyn afterward, which I very often did till 1 or 2 in the morning, I’d come home and collapse. This is why I didn’t blog very much, and I even dropped a lot of my seasonal anime shows just from being so freaking tired or emotionally drained if the vibe at work had been bad. In all honesty, Dairy Queen worked me to the bone this year, and I honestly didn’t do very much besides work my butt off. XD

BUT FROM ALL THAT, I learned that I am one tough BEAST and I AM capable to work a physically demanding job with a big smile on my face despite the rude people in drive-thru and the coworker drama–not just work my fair share, BUT WORK MORE THAN I SHOULD HAVE, and still come out feeling stronger for it. I’m dang proud of myself!

I learned this year that I can do anything I set my mind to. I really can. I know because I did it over and over again.

To that point, I’m looking for different employment now, hopefully in the pet/animal world. Fingers crossed. It’ll be a whole new adventure for 2018, starting a new job with new coworkers and learning new things. But I’m praying and believing that God is going to lead me to the right place, that needs me and the right place that I need. If any of you feel moved to pray for me to find that right place for the next part of my life’s journey, that would incredible. ❤

The only other huge thing that sticks out to me from this year, is James.

Oh, my sweet darling amazing most handsome terribly funny James. I LOVE YOU.

Best boyfriend a girl could ask for! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

It’s been two years since James and I started talking romantically and it’s been life-changing. I never thought in a million years that I’d end up with a boyfriend who could be so patient, so understanding and gentle with my emotions, fears, hopes, and supportive of my choices and who I am as a person. And on top of it all, do it on the other side of the country! Long distance has yet to stop us from loving each other wholeheartedly and working towards being together one day!

This year has been much more stable than last year for us! Last year we figured out how to make long distance work and took a lot of time to communicate fears and boundaries and expectations and just building a foundation for us. This year, we’ve enjoyed the fruit of all that labor!

This year, us being in a relationship was the new and amazing normal!

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Video^^^ He makes me laugh and laugh and laugh! ❤

Sparkler fun!

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Another video!^^^We lit sparklers in the moist Georgia night air and danced and laughed and killed bugs. XD

This year we settled into being boyfriend and girlfriend without having to talk about it haha! This year me flying to see him just felt normal! It wasn’t a rollercoaster year for us, but that in itself is amazing. IT’S AMAZING THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP JUST FEELS NORMAL! 😀 Throughout the year while we were apart, we played online games like Path of Exile and Minecraft together, when he wasn’t slaving away at school and I wasn’t getting called into work haha! We celebrated our first official Valentine’s together, and he spoiled me rotten with birthday and Christmas gifts (lots of Disney movies on Blu-ray and DVD, a Blu-Ray player, a new camera and wireless earbuds, and so many other gifts.)

And oh yeah, HE FLEW TO SEE ME THIS PAST DECEMBER FOR THE FIRST TIME! Wow! It was wild having him here in Arizona and meet my family! We had a blast! My mom loved him! Christmas was in the air and it was just too magical! I took him in to work to meet everyone; we spent hours in Zia Records; we went to my theater four times. He and my mom got along almost too well LOL! We snuggled on the love seat and watched lots of movies and musicals. I’ve been anxiously waiting for his visit allllllllllllllllllll year and it was just the absolute best thing in the world when it finally happened! All the snow in Atlanta couldn’t stop him from getting to me! Just, ajskdfajsldfkasldjf it was fantastic!

I couldn’t have asked for a better first visit for him to be here with me and meet Mom!

Thank you for another happy year having me as your girlfriend, James. I can’t imagine you not being my best friend, my life without you, or not being together with you like we are now! I’m so happy with you in my life, and I can’t wait for many more years with you by my side! ❤

2017 was a great year for me. I learned I was so much tougher than I thought I was. And I did get to do some pretty fun things when I wasn’t working!

I went to my first haunted house experience, The 13th Floor, with Ashlyn and her hubby and friends, had the time of our lives screaming our guts out! I ate lots of Panda Express. Visited both Wickenburg and Flag Staff to hike Walnut Canyon. Coworker Matt and I talked up our anticipation for “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2” and “Game of Thrones Season 7” ALLLL spring, which was just the best, and we even went to see “Spider-Man: Homecoming” together (I miss you as well, Matt!) I gave in and got Snapchat. My coworkers spoiled me rotten on my birthday, from hugs and presents, to Boss having everyone sing! I got to babysit the cutest kids on earth as my niece and nephew. I filled my coin bank to the top with tips! I threw down so much cash to get Taylor Swift’s new album and merch (which IS THE BOMB!) I got puppy scars on my arm which are still there. I bought so many dream catchers (the count is up to 12.) Finally finished “Breaking Bad” after a year hiatus. I became a Pewdiepie fan this year–I know that’s super random but he’s given me some great laughs! I got to try acrylic nails for the first time, thanks to Ashlyn! James took me on a date to Arrowhead Mall! Sat in the parking lot after work with coworkers in the heat just because we weren’t ready to say bye yet.

It was a good year!

I named her Minnie. And we're going for a drive. 😎😜😍😊

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That happy moment when he goes to sleep. 😴😇 #babysitting

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A night out with Ashlyn is always a great night. ❤️😘

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So yeah, that’s been my year!

The year of finding real friendships and fun in my coworkers, the year I got my wonderful car, the year James at last visited me here in Arizona, the year where being boyfriend and girlfriend felt so freaking normal and real, the year my heart grew so full of love to give to anyone who needed it.

As I said above in that one Instagram post, my overall thought from this year is: I’m beat tired but I’m so blessed. I’m so excited for the new adventures 2018 will throw at me when I find my new job and visit Georgia again. I’m so ready to keep building towards my future!

Goodbye 2017, hello 2018. Throw your best at me; I can handle you. 😉

~Jamie

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The Marvel Heroes Movie Tag

Hamlette from Hamlette’s Soliloquy tagged me just the other day to do her very own Marvel Heroes Movie Tag, where we match a movie to marvel hero! Without further ado let’s just jump in!

Captain America: Name a movie with a “fish out of water” theme. One of my top ten favorites, Hot Fuzz! Highly ambitious London cop transferred to a small sleepy village in the countryside…but how sleepy is it really?

Thor: Name a movie about learning to use power for the good of others. Kiki’s Delivery Service. A young witch coming to age strikes out on her own with the purpose of growing into her powers and using them responsibly living in a civilian world.

Iron Man: Name a movie about an inventor.  For some reason, I’m scrambling to think of a film, so I’m just gonna say A Beautiful Mind, which is about a brilliant mathematician. Great film with a great soundtrack.

Incredible Hulk: Name a movie with a main character who has two sides to them.  Clue, for absolutely every single character in the entire thing. Its a masterpiece. XD

Hawkeye: Name a movie that involves archery. Hamelette already said The Many Adventures of Robin Hood, which is the best and most ultimate Robin Hood movie ever! But for the sake of something new, let’s say The Hunger Games.

Black Widow: Name a movie about spies. Spy with Melissa McCarthy. I’m sorry, but this movie actually really made me laugh! McCarthy is a great comedian!

Black Panther: Name a movie about royalty.  Ben-Hur. The story of a royal Jewish family’s fall but also ultimate redemption. Honestly, its one of the best epics ever told on the big screen ever.

Vision: Name a movie involving androids or robots.  The Iron Giant! Finally got around to seeing that movie and wow! Way better than expected! I can see why it is so highly thought of. Real Steel and The Terminator and Transformers could also go with this genre.

Spider-man: Name a movie about teens. Say Anything. Big favorite of mine because the two main teenagers depicted in this film actually feel real, with a depth of purpose and emotion to them that I just loved.

Ant-Man: Name a movie about thieves.  Inception. Heck yes. Is there anything more whacky than stealing through shared dreaming?! Now You See Me and Die Hard also come to mind.

Scarlet Witch: Name a movie with powerful female character.  Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi because PRINCESS LEIA. IS. THE. GIRL. Smart, quick-thinking, strong, diplomatic: one of the most powerful female characters ever.

Dr. Strange: Name a movie where a character learns to be a better person. The one that comes to mine is John Wayne’s Rio Bravo, my favorite western. Character Dude, played Dean Martin, follows an entire path of facing his problem with drink and learning how to take control over it and becoming a man again. Love that movie so much!

Falcon: Name a movie with a great sidekick. My Neighbor Totoro, because how is there any sidekick better than Totoro himself? Also, that movie makes me cry every time.

Loki: Name a movie with an antagonist/villain who steals the show.  Let’s say Toy Story, where Woody basically plays the villain but completely steals the show as the main character!

Agent Coulson: Name a movie where an ordinary character faces an extraordinary situation.  Shaun of the Dead! Shaun’s mundane world is slowly interrupted by the zombie apocalypse, and when he at last notices, he decides to take it all on to go rescue his mum and girlfriend. One of my favorite movies ever.

Peter Quill: Name a movie with a character who is more than they appear to be.  Finding Nemo. This is referring to BOTH Nemo and Marlin!

Gamora: Name a movie with a character who changes allegiances. Thelma and Louise; we watch Thelma change from being shackled to toxicity and abuse to choosing her own form of personal freedom and herself. Freaking love it.

Drax: Name a movie with a physically powerful character.  Rocky, of course!! Of course I love Rocky for so much more than his physique, but dang, he’s awesomely strong. Or, for the fun of it, we can also say the movie Rambo First Blood for this one as well.

Groot: Name a movie with a character who doesn’t talk much. Mad Max: Fury Road. Max says very very little the whole movie or something like that? Legit great facial/grunt acting from Tom Hardy in that film, he didn’t need to speak a whole movie to make us love his Max. ❤

Rocket: Name a movie with a talking animal.  It was only for like 2 minutes, but there’s a talking animal in Men In Black–first film I thought of. XD

 I hereby tag the following bloggers: Trekking Through Hobbit Holes and Wanderer’s Pen.

~Jamie

a 2016 bucket list goal completed

(Originally written on my music blog. I loved it so much I want to share it here too.)

music is art

One of my bucket list goals of 2016 was to make a youtube playlist of songs I found personally empowering. I wanted to memorize those songs so I could repeat the lyrics like mantras when I heard the melody in my head. I believe that what you tell yourself in your mind does heavily affect how you see yourself and process your life, so I wanted to give myself some musical tools to battle my own self-destruction. Considering I am a VERY musically-driven soul, I felt this would be a creative and personally empowering way to help rewire what I tell myself.

These are some of my favorite songs from that playlist.

Rise by Selena Gomez

At first, this melody didn’t do anything for me, but I only had to listen to the lyrics to change my mind. I remember riding my bike in the crisp winter night air over the gently rolling hills of the neighborhood park when I first discovered this: it made me feel like I was actually flying! It lifted my spirits as I listened to uplifting emotions and the rhythm made my feet pedal even when my legs were screaming on the fifth, sixth, seventh loop down that hill. This song has become a happy place for me.

Like the air you can
Rise from the rubble with your mind, you can hover
You can rise like the tide, like the heat it in the summer
Yes, I know there are those who will wanna bring you down
But you can rise with your mind and make your higher power proud
You can rise, like the air you can rise

Rise by Katy Perry

Another song by this title, but wow it’s so powerful in another way. Katy truly gives voices to survivors, to the ones who feel the heaviness of being beaten down yet keep getting up, who continue to try. I really love how dark this song sounds and yet how empowering the words are. One of my favorite combinations in these types of songs.

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I’ll fight it, I’ll fight it
I will transform

Alive by Sia

You will find a lot of Sia on this list. Her songs are some of the rawest and empowering I’ve yet to find. “Alive” is a personal favorite, one that I listened to a lot early last year when I was biking to school. Its steady beat physically drove me to better fitness while the sound of a real fighter was in lyrics and vocal work. “I’m still breathing” followed by the joyful, almost vengeful cry of “I’m alive” seemed stolen right from my heart. This song made me want to keep trying, keep recovering, to keep breathing. The fighter in me who is so happy to just still be alive. “You took it all but I’m still breathing”–that there is my heartbeat. ❤

The Greatest by Sia

In my humble opinion, Sia has some of the best lyrics and musical sound right now in modern music. So much of her music is truly uplifting, while still satisfying my need for the minor key to present in melody, as you can hear in this song. Between the music and the lyrics, this is magic for me emotionally and mentally. I love the positive chants left to echo in my mind. I love how the song is not “I AM the greatest” in a prideful way, but is rather saying “I’m FREE to be the greatest” as in almost giving oneself permission to blossom into something you can’t even comprehend. ❤

Don’t give up, I won’t give up
Don’t give up, no no no
Don’t give up, I won’t give up
Don’t give up, no no no
I’m free to be the greatest, I’m alive
I’m free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest
The greatest, the greatest alive
The greatest, the greatest alive

Unstoppable by Sia

Never tell yourself you’re worthless. Empower yourself instead. While God is the one that gives us the strength to keep fighting, I want to give myself the mental edge in thinking such powerful thoughts as this song gives. ❤

I’m unstoppable
I’m a Porsche with no brakes
I’m invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I’m so powerful
I don’t need batteries to play
I’m so confident, yeah, I’m unstoppable today
Unstoppable today, unstoppable today
Unstoppable today, I’m unstoppable today

Hold Tight by Madonna

This is a very personal choice of a song. It’s more something I’ve come to rely on after I left my boyfriend behind for the first time in May. I had a lot of fear being so far apart; but one thing I knew: I really loved him and he loved me. I wanted to hold tight to that. For me personally, this song took the words out of my heart for him, and yet also reassured me the more I listened to it. That I recognized my confidence in us and our love for each other. Thousands of miles couldn’t stop it and this song still helps remind and uplift me even now.

A million miles later, we walked through the valley of the darkest night
We made it through the fire, scarred and we’re bruised but our hearts will guide us.
Together, I know our love’s gonna last forever, we’re gonna be alright tonight.
We live with no limits, we’ll dance in the middle of a freezing rain
With you and I in it, we’ll survive the eye of a hurricane.
Together, we’re gonna make this better, we’re gonna be alright tonight.
Hold tight, as long as your by my side.
Hold tight, everything’s gonna be alright.
Only love, only love tonight
Like stars we’re burning so bright,
Hold tight everything’s gonna be alright.

Stand By You by Rachel Platten

This song brings me to tears because the words feel ripped right from my heart to all who I call a friend or hold dear, and who hold me dear in return. It’s less a personal mantra on self and more a mantra about how one wants to treat those they love. I heard this a year ago and singing its lyrics have always helped me express how much love and empathy I have in my heart for those around me and it encourages and empowers those feelings.

Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you’re hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna stand by you

Hall of Fame by The Script

This is actually a long time favorite of mine, so it was less of a “discovery” and more a song I just couldn’t leave off my list. This is the definition of a classic uplifting song, from the major chord to the empowering “you can do it” like chanting. Its almost cheesy, something you’d hear in the climax of a feel-good movie maybe. But hey, we all need a cheesy movie moment, where we’re Rocky Balboa at the top of the stairs feeling like we can do anything. This my song for those moments.

You can throw your hands up
You can beat the clock
You can move a mountain
You can break rocks
You can be a master
Don’t wait for luck
Dedicate yourself and you gon’ find yourself
Standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world’s gonna know your name (yeah)
‘Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world’s gonna know your name (yeah)
And you’ll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Just like Fire by P!nk

I had nearly forgotten this song till later into the year when I heard the lyrics on the radio. A family relative recently described memories of child me as “a ball of fire.” And honestly remembering, it’s a great description. As a kid, I had so little that held me back. I lived life loudly, boldly, unafraid to express every bit of emotion and thought in my mind. I was just like fire. Besides maturing since then, I’ve been smothered a lot too, through fear and depression and insecurities of all sorts. But I really want to get back to being like a ball of fire again. So, I’ll keep singing this song to myself to I’m finally who I was made to be. Cause no one can be just like me anyway.

Just like fire, burning out the way
If I can light the world up for just one day
Watch this madness, colorful charade
No one can be just like me any way
Just like magic, I’ll be flying free
I’mma disappear when they come for me
I kick that ceiling, what you gonna say?
No one can be just like me any way
Just like fire, uh

Before I end this, I just want to pose a question for everyone to think about quietly to themselves: What are the words and lyrics you allow into your head and why? I don’t think there’s a wrong answer to that question. I just think it’s a great question. ❤

~Jamie

In My Skin For a Day

(This is what it feels like to be me for a day.) *written to this song, in my DQ outfit.

girl, swing, and freedom image

While Working Night Shift at Dairy Queen.

Sticky. Covered in sprays and sprays of ice cream up and down the arms and all over the apron. Streaks of chocolate on forearms, red dye staining across fingers like my nails bled. Sweaty in the black uniform, hoping the deodorant holds out. Bruised in the oddest places; upper hip, mid calf. Sneakers catching on the floor, co-worker playfully poking me in the side, me ignoring how badly I want to sit down. Hands cold. Head hot. The strain in my muscles carrying heavy loads from the back to the front, then swelling with pride when coworkers cheer and call me a beast. Sometimes straight up sleepy, and sometimes frustrated by rude or difficult people–sometimes wanting to snap at someone but always biting my tongue at the last minute.

Usually, I’m happy, surrounded by coworkers who seem to all appreciate me so much. Inside jokes that warm me, the laughing fits where I’m almost in tears, the banter, the smirks traded between us all as cars roll by the drive-thru window forever. That smile or supportive word from someone which  gives me that next shot of energy to keep going. Ears overwhelmed by machines whirling and voices echoing and car engines rumbling. Keep standing. Keep smiling. Trying not to make it harder for anyone else by becoming frustrated. Trying to diffuse tension in the atmosphere when the night becomes overwhelming. 20 minutes feeling like 60. The heart thumping when I have to learn something new. Listening to everyone complain to me about each other. Trying so hard to empathize with them all. Wanting to hug them all because they’re all trying so hard in their own ways.

How amazing it is to hear: “We gucci, homie?!” “I want you on all my shifts!” “I missed you, Jamie.” “My shifts with you are so much better!” “Who else would I work with if you weren’t here.” “You’re an amazing person, Jamie.” Like wow. 

flowers, black and white, and drawing image

Fingertips counting dollar bills, fumbling with coins, slamming the window too hard. Hearing my customer service voice that somehow flows like honey, even when things are at its most chaotic. The surge of relief in my chest when backup arrives and I can breathe again. Throat so dry from being stuck in the drive-thru for two hours: “what size?” “need a lid on that?” “anything else?” “That’ll be four-forty four.”; a couple gulps of water in the back before the next wave hits. The happiness of the next paycheck in my pocket.

Being drop-dead tired after seven-day work weeks or the days with surprise double shifts because the homie is sick and can’t come in; crying outside by myself from being so tired between those shifts. The boyfriend’s phone call comforting me as I crouch on an empty ice cream crate before returning for another six hours. The cold air of the freezer doors. The crunch of paper bags in my arms. The happiness when co-workers become more like friends you’re paid to hang out with. And the soaring happiness when a select few become more like family than friends. Knowing you have each other’s backs in and out of work. ❤ That’s honestly the best. ❤

When I’m At Home.

anime and anime girl image

Tired. Yet wired after usual night shifts, left sitting up till early hours of the morning trying to unwind enough to sleep. The computer’s glow tiring my eyes. The happiness of finding a goodnight message from my boyfriend every single night while kicking off my shoes. Music pounding in my eardrums. Scrubbing ice cream off my arms and face. Trudging around the yard looking for scorpions, toeing the dirt, the scent of poison. Getting lost in the music for an hour and a half while pacing back and forth under the moon–time feels frozen. Processing emotions of the day, imagining novel scenes, breathing sweet fresh air, self-therapy.

Soft bed covers. The glow of Netflix across the room keeping monsters away.  The shock of it being 2 AM. Snuggling something soft in my arms and getting hit by how much I miss him. Mostly drifting off to happy fantasies of snuggles and warm hugs, on rarer times feeling my heart shatter when I almost remember the scent of his hair. Feeling the tears fall, feeling those 2000 miles between us, devastated to be so far away. Flipping the pillow over to the dry side right before sleep hits me like a truck.

For sure no one knows how much you want this when your spouse passes away:

Waking up mid-morning groggy and grumpy. The happiness of his good morning waiting for me, making me smile and roll over, the first thing I see every morning. A keyboard at my fingertips. Tip tap. Tip tap. Tip tap. Music in my ears. Smiling at the funny things he and I message each other throughout the day. Sadly watching the clock slowly countdown my return to work for another evening. Searching my part of the fridge for food. Getting to Skype for a couple of hours. The joy in my chest when I see his smile, the sweetness from hearing his voice in my ear again. Laughing and laughing, talking and talking. Knowing love and how it pains and how it means more than anything. Sometimes sadly lying on my bed being quiet together, because we’re just so tired. The relief when he prays with me to have a good shift. Happiness. Feeling loved.

Then leaving for work again, ready to do it all over again. Soon to be sticky again.

Image by Elisabeth.Niyaha

~Jamie

 

Currently: On My Day-Off

anime, anime girl, and art image

Currently listening: a lot of new pop songs, just for the taste of them! 

Currently sitting: in the loveseat in the living room, laptop on my lap. XD

Currently liking: my one day off for the week tonight. I got some shopping done, cashed in a lottery ticket, skyped with my boyfriend to play Path of Exile, and grilled burgers for dinner.A nice day!

Currently drinking: Powerade is my latest drink of choice, strawberry lemonade or citrus passionfruit.

Currently reading: I’m in the middle of several stories rn, and it’s hard to find time to get to them. But, I’m about 87 chapters into I Am A Hero, a zombie manga, and about two pages into the first Game of Thrones book. I’m also reading Bone Gap.

Currently writing: alternate endings to one of my old novels. I don’t know why, it just keeps happening. XD

Currently watching: at this exact moment, The Great British Baking Show. Other things I’m currently watching include final episodes of the current season’s anime shows. And I literally just finished watching Breaking Bad.

Currently obsessed with: “Something Just Like This” by The Chainsmokers & Coldplay. I’ve not heard much by either of these groups, but I do adore this song!!

Currently tired: from my last six full days of work. I’ve been resting today on my one day off today; but I’m tired quite a lot lately. Besides that, my body clock is off since I work mostly night shifts; I’m not out of bed till about ten in the morning, but I don’t head to bed till about two or three in the morning too.

Currently excited: that I get to work with my favorite people tomorrow night! Eileen has basically adopted me as her second daughter and I love working with her. And even on busy hectic nights like Saturday, when I work with Trent and Matt, I know I’ll be laughing and talking about the silliest funnest things!

Currently failing: at getting my bedroom floor picked up. I keep saying I will…but it still hasn’t happened yet. >__>

Currently scaring myself with: the thought of using most of my money I’ve saved and sinking it into a car…and then having the new expenses of insurance, ect. I need to get a vehicle soon though.

Currently stuck in my head: well, see that song up there? It’s really stuck. XD

Currently wishing: that I get a better work schedule next week, with all my friends and homies. XD I love my work family so much!

Currently praying: for family and friends alike, for varying reasons too private to share. But, you know. ❤

~Jamie