While I’m Floating

Well, life is strange right now; one day still blurs into another now that we haven’t gone to church for several weeks; going to church on Sunday always helped the week feel right; Monday felt like Monday and Tuesday felt like Tuesday. Not so much anymore but hopefully a new routine will help that.

I miss seeing people; church was pretty much the only place where I was able to socialize with people. I miss The Doctor a lot, I miss Sherlock Holmes a lot too; a year of reading Doyle’s works very faithfully every week set my mind in a certain pattern that I really miss. There was a security in doing the same thing every week: talk, pick a story, read the story, see each other on Sunday and gush over that story, talk some more and then pick another story. Week after week for at least eleven months; it was one of the few things that stayed consistently the same and it made me feel secure. It was nice knowing someone else was enjoying the exact same thing I was and wanted to do it with me as much I as I wanted to do it with him.

That pattern has now been shattered and I feel like I’m floating in space or under a great big river underwater not really knowing what to do now. No more reading, no more seeing my best friend, no more church. I miss it a lot.

The only problem with all this is that my dad will use (already has tried to use) the church and even my best friend as a manipulation tool to try to get me to start seeing him again on his time table and not mine. I do not understand why he can’t wait for me to be ready on my own time or that it is impossible for me to even consider attending a church with him. It hurts a lot to have things that are very dear to you used as dangled bait in front of your face as though your a dog who can’t see that’s it’s attached to a string. It’s hurtful and cruel.

I am thankful, though, that I do know what I need to do and that I now have the freedom hold my ground as to where my boundaries are and what I feel comfortable in doing. I’m done in being constantly run over, in being emotionally manipulated and being mentally frightened by what other people think. I need to do what it takes to protect myself; I’m done with being forced into a tiny box with no consideration to my feelings or needs as a person while being told that that is “biblical female submissiveness”.  I’m done with that crap and I’m learning to stand up for myself and for my mom and siblings against patriarchy that has been horribly twisted and blown way out of biblical proportion. Enough is enough. The sad thing is that very few people have been able to understand our side of it or are unwilling to see how big of a problem it is and that really sucks.

So, yeah, those are some conflicting feelings I’ve been working through and I’ve been very grateful to God that I, as of yet, have not yet been completely crushed under the pressure.

So, I’ve had been struggling a lot recently, but comfort things always come in handy around now; like reading. I recently picked up my collection of HG Wells’ novels and started the Time Machine as sort of an antidote against my Holmes-reading-withdrawal (I think I and The Doctor have become as addicted to Sherlock Holmes as he’s addicted to heroin, actually). It’s been an interesting substitute to say the least. I like HG’s way of titling characters without necessarily giving them all names, like “the Medical Man” “the Provincial Mayor” “the Time Traveler” “the Editor” and then there’s Filby, who  has quite the personality.

It’s different but interesting and enlightening in many ways in regards to my own writing style but I’m not going to get into that right now!

The other comfort is that Kayla and I have been together again since she’s come home. I helped her rearrange her room and we’ve watched a lot of The Office recently and a couple comedies together. Although we’re very different in personality and have different tastes when it comes to almost everything (clothes, music, ect), we get along very well, and it’s nice to have someone to lean on. We make a good team. And yes, I have been very grateful for having my own room now that she’s returned. Except that I’m directly under her bedroom and Nathan likes to be in Kayla’s room and he does not know how to walk softly, so in the morning it’s like a jack hammer is on above my head while I’m trying to sleep. My mornings have been bizarre as of late.

So anyway, to tie this kinda mash of ramblings together, I’ve kinda been floating through space here, but I’m learning a lot about myself and about my personal needs and personal convictions; I really hope this devastating experience really helps build and shape me into who I’m suppose to be in the future.

Because my story isn’t. over. yet.

~Jamie

The Doctor and I

So, The Doctor and I are finally reading Sherlock Holmes again after several week’s break and it’s awesome.

Sorry, did you just ask, who’s the Doctor?

….I just laughed way too hard….

I know most of you know The Doctor as a BBC actors playing a time traveler who hops through time and space in a blue box called the Tardis while saving the world from all sorts of disaster; he has great hair, wears classy clothes, is full of witty comments and usually has a couple of traveling companions behind his elbows.

Well, I know The Doctor. And I’m going to explain now how I know The Doctor so you all don’t ask me in the comments what I’m talking about whenever I mention I’m doing something with “The Doctor”.

My best friend Dylan is one of the hugest, most enthusiastic Whovians I know. And every once in a while he’ll just shout in a British accent, “I’M THE DOCTOR” at the most random times. Most recently we’ve gotten to have excited conversations about saving the world and sonic screwdrivers and time travel. It’s simply another thing that we both mutually love; ever since we met nearly two years ago we’ve had a lot in common and have been inseparable partners in everything for all that time. We’re the freaking duo Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson; I have his back and I know he has mine and he’s pretty much one of the few guys I’ve met who’s not a jerk. To make this short, through books and many situations that have given us a chance to build mutual, unbroken trust in one another, we’ve become best friends. And we recently become another freaking duo, of yes, you guessed it, The Doctor and companion. However, he had the idea that anytime I mention him here on my blog, I should just refer to him as The Doctor. This is frankly the most hilariously fun idea ever. And I’m actually going to seriously do this.

From now on, whenever I mention my best friend, I will be calling him The Doctor. And you will get used to it.

Will this be confusing? Well, here’s how it’s going to work. There’s going to be The BBC Doctors, with their names, Chris, Tennant, and Matt. You’ll know I’ll be talking about them because I’ll always say, “The BBC Doctors” before beginning to talk.

And there will be The Doctor. The Real Doctor, my best friend. Because on the inside, he really is a young time traveler at both hearts. Seriously, he’s got his own awesome hair style, he’s pretty much the wittiest guy I know and he even knows how to tie bow ties. He could literally be the next regeneration of The Doctor, Doctor Twelve. But to me, he’s just The Doctor.

Before anybody asks, yes, it’s awesome knowing The Doctor. I’m not sure which companion I am most like but it doesn’t matter. This Doctor reads books with me. Speaking of which, did I mention we’re back to reading Sherlock Holmes? We’re almost done with that 1,000 paged collection of Arther Conan Doyle’s stories on my favorite detective. I don’t know what we’re going to do when we get to the end and we’re done. A piece of me just might die. I suppose we’ll just hitch a ride on the Tardis back to the early 19th century together after we’ve finished it; I’m going to find Doyle and plant the idea of Sherlock in his head and The Doctor will probably stop some Daleks from taking over England, which will ensure that Doyle will be able to write about Sherlock in the first place. It’s going to be awesome.

….oh my gosh….

Just now… I just came up with that plot idea for the time traveling story I’ve been trying to make work in my head, right there above. Wow, my gosh, it all came to me just like that. This is awesome, this post wins the ‘helping me figure things out just like that’ award. Oh my gosh, I’m so excited.

And…. I’m rambling now. Great. This post needs to be wrapped up.

Oh. I’m sorry. Did I forget to mention I’ve seen the first season of the Dr Who reboot? Forgive my forgetfulness of mentioning how my sister and I became Whovians over two months ago. And yes, you can expect a review on Season One and Eccleston’s Doctor in the near future…. that is if I don’t get caught up in time traveling this week…….

…. I have a Sherlock Holmes short story to start.

~Jamie

PS. Just because I’m a little curious, I’d like to ask my fellow Whovians, who have seen more of the show then I, what companion do you think I’m most like, just from reading my blog? I’d really like to know your opinion *is looking at James expectingly* *grin*

Sherlock Season Three Filming Has Begun!!!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS?! IT’S THE 18TH TODAY!

*My Happy Reaction*

If I wasn’t going to be so busy today, I would totally bake a cake and ice it saying, “SHERLOCK SEASON THREE FILMING HAS BEGUN!” When I am finished writing this post I am going to go text Kayla in all caps with this joyous news.

I am so excited, and unless you’ve seen the show yourself, you will really not understand how excited. You really won’t know what this means!? It means we are one step closer to learning how Sherlock did it! We are one step closer to three more episodes! We are one step closer to getting some new pictures of Benedict and Martin in character! One step closer to the continuation for one of the best Sherlock Holmes adaptions EVER!

I think it’s about time I break down and start looking for a proper Sherlock Holmes t-shirt to add to my collection of fandom shirts (just this past Saturday I got my first Toy Story shirt–It has Buzz Lightyear on it and no I am not embarrassed about liking the Toy Story trilogy. But moving on.)  I already have a pipe from my sister (which has the initial S on it) I own and have read nearly all the stories outside of one set of short stories and when it’s cold enough I tie my scarf like Sherlock. If only I could pull off the witty comments without sounding like either a complete failure or a jerk, that would be awesome. But a shirt and even a poster to add to my wall of fandom would be amazing. When I move into my new room I plan on putting “221b” on my door so I can pretend I’m living on Baker Street.

I’m a serious Sherlockian, people, if you haven’t noticed.

In summary, thank God Almighty they have finally begun filming. Can I hear a amen from my fellow Sherlockians, now?!

~Jamie

PS and yes, YAY for Doctor Who, too! I know all my Whovian friends are also dying right now, I am also very happy for you as well!

Sherlock Filler Post

Darn, just when I was starting to get back into the swing of posting a little more frequently, I had to go disappear, didn’t I?

This past week I spent four days and three nights at some friends’ house. Since stress levels hasn’t gone done very much at all the past few weeks, I needed to get away for a while, so it was great to get completely away for a few days. But anyway, I had no time to work on any posts at all (or comment; sorry, guys). I have several posts I want to work on this up coming week, but until then, I really wanted to do a Sherlock post as a sort of filler. I’ve been having a lot of Sherlock Homes feels recently, so I need this almost more then the blog needs a filler post.

And if you haven’t yet seen BBC’s Sherlock yet, do yourself a favor and watch the first season as soon as possible. Put that at the top of your to-do list. Seriously; I have seen non-Sherlockians become die-hard fans of this detective by the end of the first episode. Just trust me on this one.

This gifset just above? This was the gifset that told me that I was going to love this show when I was first looking into it. Just thought that was interesting.

I hope to get back to posting more frequently again soon!

~Jamie

Seven Things About Myself

I know; I just did an award post a few days ago, but I have to do these as they come or I tend to forget! Anyway, these are great post-makers. Moving on, I want to say a big, big thank you to Moonstonemaiden for awarding me with this, I feel very honored to be called ‘very inspiring’, that means the world to me!

Le rules are:

Display the award logo on your blog.
Link back to the person who nominated you.
State 7 things about yourself.
Nominate 15 bloggers for this award and link to them.
Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements

This post turned out excessively long, but it felt really good to be able to put most of these things into a paragraph and have it just out and on the table to deal with. Posts like these are the reasons why I like blogging, because this is where I am free to talk about what I’m struggling with.

Seven things about myself:

I still can’t drive. My mom is pressuring me to start learning as soon as the stress goes down low enough to where I can study better. It will be much more useful if I do learn to drive; I’ll be able to do grocery shopping or take trips to the library on my own if I get my license. I just don’t have that great burning to learn right now… I suppose that’s the problem. In some ways, I’m a homebody. Sure, I love going out to friends’ houses or attending parties or just going to Costco with my mom, but I don’t have the wanderlust where my feet want to travel the world. Maybe Europe someday with my special someone, but outside of a few trip idea that I am keeping to myself and Mom, I don’t really want to climb in a car and drive anywhere. At least… not now.

I want to be more comfortable in my skin. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and frowning at myself. I’m tired of not feeling pretty. So, something I just started this week was getting my makeup and girly stuff off my shelf and dust the top off and use some of it! I’ve painted my nails with my favorite light lavender polish, I’ve started putting on some sweet smelling lotion and a tiny bit of my pink lipstick. I know that true beauty comes from being truly happy, but honestly, I’ve not been very happy recently with all the extreme levels of stress in my home. It’s shown with myself-respect in how I’ve let myself go a little. I’m dressing more sloppily, I’ve not put makeup on for weeks, not even for church. So I decided this week that from now on in this new year, I will be taking the time to pretty myself up, to dress a bit better, to get back to painting my nails regularly. I think this will help my self confidence more. I can look in the mirror and smile and say, “I not ugly!” And I’ll see self-respect smiling back. And I will feel better in my skin.

I love accomplishing new piano songs on my own. I haven’t had a lesson since I was twelve and what I learned in that last lesson was really easy stuff compared to the stuff I’m trying to play now. I like to play haunting melodies and the themes from my favorite tv shows and movies. I’m trying to conquer the Avengers theme right now and it’s a little difficult. I can hardly read the bass notes or treble notes, much less the notes that fly off the scale. I sometimes have to pencil in the notes names onto the paper so I remember what they are; sometimes I can’t play songs because they’re so advanced for the skills that I have. But at the same time, each new song I’ve managed to nail and memorize, I get such a great sense on accomplishment from it. Because I memorized that six page song, I taught myself how to do that finger play, I learned how to read those hard notes. All by myself. When my fingers can play the song all by themselves while I shut my eyes and I still nail the song: that’s the best.

Speaking of which, I’m trying to decide which of these two songs I want to learn next; I’m mean, I’ll eventually learn both, but I don’t know which one to get first because I like them both pretty equally. I’d love to hear which you guys like better and you could help me decide which to learn first! This one is called Chimes and this one is called Field of Daisies, both by Brian Crain. The other two songs that I’ve learned by this amazing composer is Rain and Wind; you can listen to these two songs and pretend I’m playing them because, yeah, I nailed those two pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Sherlock Holmes was pretty much my first official crush. Like, I had it bad for a long time when I was fourteen. We were, like, married and everything. But he came and he went, new things came along, I slowly forgot about him until last year: BOOM. He came leaping back out of my closet in book form, alive, covered in dust and shouting, “Remember me? I’m back in your face! Try to get rid of me now!” So, last time it was Basil Rathbone’s version that made me giggle, this round it’s Benedict Cumberbatch’s version . . . . . . . . . . between you and me, I plan on having twin boys; I will name them Basil and Benedict and they’ll grow up wearing deerstalker caps. Because, come on, it’d be a bit much to name your child Sherlock Holmes, right?

I have a hard time striking a balance between ‘reserved and quiet friend’ and ‘overly-clingy friend’. Because I’ve never had many friendships, I really value the ones that I do have, but I have this big fear that I may come across as really clingy and weird if I stick too close or talk too much with those friends and annoying them to death. I hate the idea of having people look at me and thinking, “Great, here she comes, it’s going to be ages before I can get her to be quiet again/get her to stop trailing me“.  To come off like that to the few friends I do have horrifies me, so I do the next worse possible thing and I stay too reserved. I just don’t know how to strike the perfect middle on this, especially because my first impulse is to be on the more clingy side of things. I’m a socially-oriented person, I like to both talk, and to just sit quietly in the middle of a group of friends and listen to them all talk. I need to be around people. But I’m so awkward when it comes to properly engaging with certain friends. This is something I’m going to work on this year… unless I happen to loose all those friends by moving to a new church again. This seems like a looming possibility that might happen in the near future and I’m stone cold terrified of having to start all over again but… let’s just not continue down this train of thought just yet, okay?

I’m still going through the self-discovery process. Because during most of my teen years it was overly taught that one had to find their identification as a member in a family, my dad didn’t really allow me to try to think that I was and am, in fact, an individual person with my own personality, my own needs, my own likes and struggles. And while, yes, it is true, we are all part of a family and we should try to work together as a family, I wish the other half of the coin hadn’t been washed out of the picture then. I’m now trying to get that other half back. How can I expect other people to understand and know me when I don’t understand or know myself?

I’m thinking about writing a time traveling story. I don’t have much of a plot or character ideas or anything but I’ve had the end climax in my head for many years, so, I might actually try to write it out one of these days. It’s quite a scary idea and it’s only in the thinking process because I have so many other stories that I want to write first, but I think it would be fun to attempt a story like this.

I’m going to nominate just a few people here who have been ‘very inspiring’ to me.

Grace: Grace is very inspiring in that she has learned to be comfortable as herself. She’s had many encouraging words for me over the past two years and she’s inspired me to embrace my inner fangirl without feeling weird about it. She also writes some great inspirational posts.

James: James is very inspiring when it comes to consistently commenting. He’s always has a kind word no matter where he comments and he does a great job giving back great feedback. He’s been inspiring to start commenting more, because comments really is one of the best things with blogging.

Alexandra: Alexandra is very inspiring in that she’s an accomplished self-published author! I’m inspired whenever I see her accomplishments to try to reach those accomplishments myself one day with my own writing; she also has given me so much encouragement to keep trying with my writing!

You three have been very inspiring to me in your own ways, so you really deserve this award from me to you! Thanks so much for being in my life!

And that wraps up this much-to-long post; thanks for reading, guys!

~Jamie