While I’m Floating

Well, life is strange right now; one day still blurs into another now that we haven’t gone to church for several weeks; going to church on Sunday always helped the week feel right; Monday felt like Monday and Tuesday felt like Tuesday. Not so much anymore but hopefully a new routine will help that.

I miss seeing people; church was pretty much the only place where I was able to socialize with people. I miss The Doctor a lot, I miss Sherlock Holmes a lot too; a year of reading Doyle’s works very faithfully every week set my mind in a certain pattern that I really miss. There was a security in doing the same thing every week: talk, pick a story, read the story, see each other on Sunday and gush over that story, talk some more and then pick another story. Week after week for at least eleven months; it was one of the few things that stayed consistently the same and it made me feel secure. It was nice knowing someone else was enjoying the exact same thing I was and wanted to do it with me as much I as I wanted to do it with him.

That pattern has now been shattered and I feel like I’m floating in space or under a great big river underwater not really knowing what to do now. No more reading, no more seeing my best friend, no more church. I miss it a lot.

The only problem with all this is that my dad will use (already has tried to use) the church and even my best friend as a manipulation tool to try to get me to start seeing him again on his time table and not mine. I do not understand why he can’t wait for me to be ready on my own time or that it is impossible for me to even consider attending a church with him. It hurts a lot to have things that are very dear to you used as dangled bait in front of your face as though your a dog who can’t see that’s it’s attached to a string. It’s hurtful and cruel.

I am thankful, though, that I do know what I need to do and that I now have the freedom hold my ground as to where my boundaries are and what I feel comfortable in doing. I’m done in being constantly run over, in being emotionally manipulated and being mentally frightened by what other people think. I need to do what it takes to protect myself; I’m done with being forced into a tiny box with no consideration to my feelings or needs as a person while being told that that is “biblical female submissiveness”.  I’m done with that crap and I’m learning to stand up for myself and for my mom and siblings against patriarchy that has been horribly twisted and blown way out of biblical proportion. Enough is enough. The sad thing is that very few people have been able to understand our side of it or are unwilling to see how big of a problem it is and that really sucks.

So, yeah, those are some conflicting feelings I’ve been working through and I’ve been very grateful to God that I, as of yet, have not yet been completely crushed under the pressure.

So, I’ve had been struggling a lot recently, but comfort things always come in handy around now; like reading. I recently picked up my collection of HG Wells’ novels and started the Time Machine as sort of an antidote against my Holmes-reading-withdrawal (I think I and The Doctor have become as addicted to Sherlock Holmes as he’s addicted to heroin, actually). It’s been an interesting substitute to say the least. I like HG’s way of titling characters without necessarily giving them all names, like “the Medical Man” “the Provincial Mayor” “the Time Traveler” “the Editor” and then there’s Filby, who  has quite the personality.

It’s different but interesting and enlightening in many ways in regards to my own writing style but I’m not going to get into that right now!

The other comfort is that Kayla and I have been together again since she’s come home. I helped her rearrange her room and we’ve watched a lot of The Office recently and a couple comedies together. Although we’re very different in personality and have different tastes when it comes to almost everything (clothes, music, ect), we get along very well, and it’s nice to have someone to lean on. We make a good team. And yes, I have been very grateful for having my own room now that she’s returned. Except that I’m directly under her bedroom and Nathan likes to be in Kayla’s room and he does not know how to walk softly, so in the morning it’s like a jack hammer is on above my head while I’m trying to sleep. My mornings have been bizarre as of late.

So anyway, to tie this kinda mash of ramblings together, I’ve kinda been floating through space here, but I’m learning a lot about myself and about my personal needs and personal convictions; I really hope this devastating experience really helps build and shape me into who I’m suppose to be in the future.

Because my story isn’t. over. yet.

~Jamie

cold body. warm heart.

I saw my first zombie movie about a few weeks ago; Warm Bodies, a pleasing twist to the classic Romeo and Juliet tale told in a dark but comedic way from the zombie’s point of view. Yeah, I know, sounds bizarre but when I first saw the trailer last year I knew I would want to see this movie. It looked clever, funny, dark, sweet and something new. Seriously, it’s a good trailer, watch it here if you want. (It’s also going to be the only place you’ll get from me on a plot summary; so if you want actual plot summary, go find your friend Wiki…)

Well, I went and saw it at a local cheap theater by myself (yes, my Mom knows I went and saw this, she dropped me off, lol) and I loved every minute of it. I’m pretty sure I was the only girl in there, too. lol.

For a film about zombies, who obviously eat people, there was little gore, which I appreciated. There was less language then I expected, only a few s words and one f that slipped in. The romance was not annoying and moved at a realistic pace, which always makes it way more enjoyable to watch. And it was humorous; I was smiling throughout most of the film from R’s commentary. I would agree with the rating of PG-13 for viewer recommendation.

R is my new favorite character right now, besides Merlin and Nick Burkhardt. He was protective of Julie, kept her safe and provided for her. For a zombie, he was quite the gentleman; reassuring, kind, knew when to give her space and time to herself, was never angry at her when she did things her own way and ended up putting herself in danger. And he loved her, and it was this love that began to cure his deadness. But more on him later.

Julie is the link between the zombies and the last of the human race. She is decent character in my opinion because she’s balanced. In a lot of movies, females are often portrayed as two extremities; their either completely dependent on the male hero in that she can’t even stand up on either of her feet and her complete happiness rests on someone else and she’s just useless. Or their completely independent, extremely able to kick-butt while in their high heels and their don’t need anybody for anything. Julie hits the healthy center between these two (both of which are unhealthy for anyone in existence ever.) She’s strong, she’s daring, she can shoot, she’s brave. She also is human. She’s fearfully like anyone else; while she can stand on her own two feet, she learns to except the help R is offering to her. And that’s not a sign of weakness.

The romance was good and pretty clean.  A lot of romances especially based after the Romeo and Juliet structure often have outrageously unrealistic relationships where both sides instantly fall in love and it’s just not believable at all*islookingatWestSideStory* (“instantly falling in love” is often confused with “instantly feeling your chemistry” in a lot of movies; learn to tell the difference between human chemistry and real ‘love’.) While R was instantly attracted to Julie and it’s not really explained how (considering he first sees her during a battle), it still works. Okay, just believe me, it works. However, Julie has a realistic amount of time for her feelings to grow from absolute fear, to curiosity, to being just friends to having real feelings. And R is patient with her; he doesn’t rush things, he waits for her to feel comfortable around him. And the longer they were together, the more human he became.

What was so interesting about this movie was that it wasn’t just one genre. The romance didn’t control the story but it was a large part of the plot. R’s commentary was funny and clever but the film wasn’t a comedy. And it wasn’t a zombie-gore-o-rama blood and guts film; there was little gore but there was some actual plot structure and character growth to it as well. I’m pretty sure that’s missing from a lot of zombie movies.

And the parallels to Romeo and Juliet were fun and different; instead of two warring families, it was humans against zombies. There was even a balcony scene that wasn’t cheesy. There was more at stake for R and Julie then just ‘their feelings’ for each other; there was the recently discovered ‘cure’ for turning the zombies back to humans and that was human love and interaction. Julie ultimately had to make her father (who was the leader of the human resistance) realize that many of them were changing because of what they saw in her and R; it reminded them of something they once had as humans. So, their relationship was actually important and influential; more then just selfish ‘but we’re in love and we want to be together’ crap.

So, that was very appreciated.

Ultimately, the message of the movie was that being alive, being human; life in general, is precious. R, a zombie, knew he was missing something and as he became more alive began to actually feel things that we feel everyday. So, you end up leaving the movie feeling grateful for things that you never thought about before; the fact that you can feel cold, the fact that you can sleep at night and dream your own dreams, that you have memories, and that you can interact and connect with others. That you can feel emotion.

This was excellent for me, because when you’ve gone through very hurtful situations where you feel rejected by those you need the most, the heart ache and hollowness can make you wish that you simply couldn’t feel things anymore. You start wishing that you didn’t have to care about anybody ever again because caring means you will eventually get hurt. And you start to close yourself off from everyone because that’s the only way you can think of to keep from being hurt. Again.

I’ve felt like an emotionally and mentally dead zombie for a while now because I’ve been so hurt but not given a chance to properly heal before getting hurt again. So I just started to feel dull and closed off. Yeah, I’m standing up and eating and moving through the day but the ‘you’ is dead. Like a zombie.

But R helped me appreciate my feelings in general. Life will always hurt, emotions will always be there to confuse me and people will always let me down. But being hurt means being human and being human is one of best things in the world. Because while love can really suck and it can also really heal. Like R, I’m want to start healing, to start changing, to start feeling again. Because being a zombie is both really inconvenient and no fun. If you stay that way, you eventually loose anything that was human about you and become something bitter and twisted, like the Bonies from the film. And there was absolutely nothing redeemable about them.

I know this movie probably wouldn’t appeal to a lot of you, but it means something to me. It’s helped face me towards a road of healing because I emotionally and mentally related to R in many ways. That might sound weird, but I’ve found over the last few years that hope and help come from the strangest places.

So, I highly recommend this film to the appropriate age group. It’s not a film for everyone, but it strangely helped and comforted me. I can’t wait to add it to my DVD collection.

Zombies. Whodathunk?

~Jamie

it’s hard to say goodbye

I need closure, I need to say goodbye, whether they ever see this or not (kinda like I did a year or so ago with this post when we left the last church) This is more for me than anything else…..

Dear Twins (or Thor and Iron Man),

I’m going to miss hearing you talk about The Avengers every week. I’m glad I was able to teach you checkers and I will miss our rematches. Thanks for liking my piano playing and making me play The Avenger theme a lot for you. I had fun matching all the kids up to different Marvel characters with you. I’ll miss your hugs and silly grins and accents. You both are very sweet and I will miss you a lot.

Jamie, or Miss America

Dear Zak,

We never talked that much but I would like to say goodbye to you too. Thanks for the ammunition you gave as a graduation present, that was pretty cool. Keep an eye on the twins for me, okay?

Jamie, another gunman

Dear Lauren,

I will miss not being there the next time your sister decides to surprise you. I absolutely loved all those adventures we had, especially when all us girls hid in the bathroom of that one store and we jumped out at you. I’m glad we got that on camera. I think your very strong and brave for your age and you have such a fun personality. Also, thank you for pushing me last summer to play the preludes for church. That really helped me get out of my comfort zone. So thanks.

Jamie, another musician

Dear Gabrielle,

It’s been fun getting know you. I remember the time when it was only you and me and one of the twins that went down to the park one Sunday and we ran around in the wash pretending to be SHEILD agents escaping from Loki; that was a lot of fun! Thanks for teaching Kayla and I all your card games and talking to us. Thanks for playing for church every Sunday, too, you are good violinist. I will miss you and your dry sense of humor.

Your older sister, Jamie

Dear Boys,

This isn’t really a goodbye, it’s a more a thank you. Because I really can’t say good bye to you both just yet and we do live only a mile away from each other, it would be weird and silly if we never saw each other again. But, I’m going to miss seeing both of you at church every week.

Dear Daryck,

Yes, you are a gentleman even though you tease me all the time; but I’ve simply taken that to mean that you are comfortable enough around me to tease me the way you do, which makes me happy either way. Thanks for talking to me all the time and for making me a fan of Halo even though I’ve never played it; I always liked hearing about your video game escapades and other stuff you’ve done over the week. And your movies, I always liked hearing about your movies. I’m very very glad you liked BBC’s Sherlock, I hope you didn’t sleep through the end of Reichenbach Falls! I will miss you and your jokes and teasing.

Your friend no matter what, Jamie

Dear Dylan, or Doctor, or Lord William, or Sheriff Will, or Sherlock Holmes; I don’t know what the heck to call you anymore,

We became friends very fast, didn’t we? I can only think of two other people whom I became friends with just as quickly, so our friendship is rare and meaningful to me. So, this isn’t goodbye, it’s just ’till our next adventure’. My book will remain on the shelf with bookmark between The Dying Detective and The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax until I know for certain that we won’t be able to finish it together. Thanks for reading all those stories with me and for introducing me to Dracula and getting me that collection for my graduation. Thanks for always talking to me and listening to me play the piano and trusting me during do-or-die moments during Cops and Robbers. We made such a dang good team! I will miss you very, very much but I will still  hold out hope that we will be able to read every single Sherlock Holmes story together! Thanks for being my best friend; thanks for everything. Remember I’ll always have your back.

With much respect and admiration, Jamie, or Dr Watson, or Deputy Penny or The Dame, or your time traveling companion; whichever you most prefer.

~

Dear Kayla,

You have been gone for a long long time, way over a month. And I have missed you. But you are coming home very very soon, and I’m so glad. Because friends come and go but I think you will always be there for me just like I’ll always be there for you. It will help having you back to keep me from being to lonesome for our friends. I can’t wait to start watching Dr Who together, and picking up where you left off with The Office and hopefully you’ll see more Warehouse 13 soon. We shall go to movies together and stay up late watching stuff in my room and we’ll read the old Cousins stories again together and we’ll keep being besties forever. I’ve really missed you and I’m glad you’re coming home.

Your sissy, Jam.

~

Goodbyes are terrible but

I’ve said ‘goodbye’ and ‘until next time’ and I’ve cried my tears and told myself I will see everybody again. But that doesn’t stop my heart from hurting. Because the worse thing about making new friends is that they will actually mean something to you one day. And when it comes saying goodbye to those friends a few years later, it’s just….

It’s just that, sometimes, it’s hard to let them go.

~Jamie

Currently:

Currently listening: to 2Cellos. If you like groups like Escalla then there is a large chance you will love 2Cellos. I’ve been listening to this song a lot recently.

Currently reading: well, about to start The Time Machine by HG Wells.

Currently drinking: Dr Pepper Cherry. Yum.

Currently missing: Kayla, who has been gone for about six weeks, The Office which I haven’t seen in several weeks, and I miss The Doctor.

Currently learning on the piano: Song for Sienna by Brian Crain and struggling to learn by ear the eleventh Doctor’s theme song, I am the Doctor, with the help of this video. It’s extremely hard, let me tell you.

Currently watching: Season 2 of Grimm and Season 5 of Merlin; also currently in love with both Nick Burkhardt and Merlin’s grin.

Currently tired: of always losing. Losing my stuff, losing energy, losing contact with friends, losing at go-fish against my six year old brother.

Currently writing: a bunch of blogposts. A bedroom picture post, a review of Warm Bodies, a post on my favorite characters, a post all on Dwight Schrute, a post on self-discovery and a goodbye post to my church friends who I will not be seeing for a long time…

Currently scaring myself with: the idea of cutting my hair short (think Claudia Donovan-style from Warehouse 13, only with curly hair)

Currently wishing: to go to another state fair. And to go to London. And to go to Washington state.

Currently excited: about finding SEASON TWO OF DOCTOR WHO FOR ONLY TWENTY BUCKS AT COSTCO LAST WEEK, DO YOU KNOW HOW CHEAP THAT IS AND HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS SEASON I CAN’T WAIT TO START WATCHING IT WITH KAYLA WHEN SHE GETS HOME. oh and for IRON MAN 3 WHICH IS ALMOST HERE I’M SO EXCITED TO SEE THAT MOVIE. oh, and for THOR 2 AND THE AMAZING TRAILER THAT JUST CAME OUT OH MY GOSH I LOVE MARVEL MOVIES.

Currently failing: at Camp NaNo. I thought I’d give it a try but it turned out I was just not recovered emotionally or mentally yet to try pushing myself at it this month. I’ve backed off and decided to give it another try in July. As long as emotional tornadoes stop dropping out of the sky on top of me, that is.

Currently stuck in my head: Made for You by One Republic. Blame the fan-tas-tic beat for that.

Currently praying: that things will calm down soon and that I won’t do such a bad job at painting my finger nails like I did last night and that I will be able to start getting up earlier again and that the next month will be a new, fresh chapter in life for me and my sister and my mom and little brother.

Really really praying for that last one.

~Jamie

every once and a while, I dream of the seemingly impossible…

….I dream of a different reality and I wish it could all be different. I wish I could live a different reality and it be real. Perfect, exactly as I want it. It would maybe go something like this…

Rain. All the time, off and on, always cloudy. And one snowfall, every Christmas Eve. But lots of rain, making it mandatory to wearing trench coats with turned up collars everywhere, with black hats with black lace and black feathers and black umbrellas with fancy handles. And black hats for the guys, with long capes. And deerstalkers for everyone.

And I’d do different things, depending on where I was in the world.

Here in the US, I will see my sister in Hollywood and stay at the private beach house that we’ll share. She’ll have the top half and I’ll have the bottom. We’ll have our own horses that we’ll ride up and down the beach and in the waves. When our schedules work, we’ll take road trips all over the country, visiting wax museums and massive libraries and old-fashioned diners for old-fashioned milk shakes. I’ll find new places of inspiration for new books and she’ll remember all the locations so that when they are big sellers she’ll come back and direct the movie versions herself (after she’s remade all my old embarrassing stories into a couple of comedy shows because she seems keen on, well, embarrassing me). We’ll go to film premieres and the opening night of every Marvel movie that is Avengers related and all the comic cons and Star Wars conventions across the country.

And when we feel like it, when we pass through small quiet towns, we’ll dress in black, leather and studs and go around pretending we’re motorcycle hotshots down the main drag to practice our improvisation and practice sassy witty comebacks and have something to laugh about later because that was so out of character for us. But who doesn’t like being a memorable character somewhere in the world to somebody.

Because we could.

England; I’d live half the year in America but the other half in England; I’d have a country estate where I could write and watch the wind hit the trees and fields with the dark clouds all over—through a big window because it would be in a nice modest castle, with a small drawbridge, tall taper candles everywhere and a big sweeping stair case.

There would be a dog, my Rottweiler who I would name Bucky Barnes and I’d have a cat who I would call Loki and he’d sit on my lap while I write and pur for me. And Bucky would run in the mud puddles in the enclosed courtyard and get dirty and I’d give him bubble baths in the big old fashioned tub, because, well I like dogs. The three of us will watch Grimm in my bedroom, because my bed will be a big four post bed with a canopy which means there will be plenty of room to snuggle to watch scary dark tv shows. With the shutters banging on the window.

I wouldn’t just have a house in the country, I’d have a big flat in the middle of London; money no object, here, obviously. I would have my regular address and also my 221b hanging on my door and it will confuse all the other neighbors and the mailman, at least for a while. I wouldn’t do a lot of writing in London, London is where I stay when I want to be running around.

I’d visit Baker Street everyday to blow a kiss at the Sherlock Holmes Museum, which I would be extremely familiar with. I would ride everywhere on the double deck buses, and only the top deck. I’d make the streets a perfect map in my head so I would never be lost. I would shop and I would walk and watch people. No coffee shop breaks, just an occasional Shasta cheery soda on the go. In the evening I’d watch Dr Who with hot chocolate in my living room and keep my window open a crack to hear and smell the rain.

Because I like rain a lot.

And of course, whenever I run into The Doctor I’m out (because obviously he would be in England twice as quickly as I would, no doubt running around with a sonic screwdriver), we would make up an adventure and roam the streets pretending to stop daleks and jumping in and out of police boxes pretending we’re flying through time. And then we’d go to Cardiff.

We’d have Dr Who marathons indoors while we wait out really heavy storms and use the window seat to study Doyle’s books and old maps to figure out routes Sherlock would have used on different cases, then we’d go back out in the dark and take those routes to see where we end up; we’d pretend it was Victorian times again and find a carriage and pay the driver to go extra fast and pretend some more that we were Holmes and Watson chasing after a suspect. And then we’d somehow climb to the top of Big Ben so we could get the real view of England by night.

Because we could.

Sometimes I wish for impossible things, things that seemingly could happen but are likely not to. Maybe my sister and I will go on a road trip sometime, and maybe I can visit England one day and I will go and die inside the Sherlock Holmes museum, preferably with my best friend, but unless I become a millionaire, there is no way I’ll have a castle or have a beach house or be able to go to every comic con that ever occurs. And it’s probably impossible to climb to the top of Big Ben.

Very likely, most of what I wrote above won’t ever happen.

And that is where the ever valuable lesson in contentment comes to play. So, I can’t stop everyday on Baker Street or keep a snug apartment in London; that’s why I put ’221b’ on my bedroom door and that’s why, before I go to bed, I look at my poster and blow Sherlock and John each a kiss before I turn the light off every. single. night.  That’s why each book I pick up becomes a time machine and takes me to another place right in my own room and I can be in a whole new universe for over an hour and then I can come back. And I’ve learned to be content with that.

Because a very long time ago, I discovered for myself that things, places, especially money, do not buy you happiness. Contentment in what God has blessed me with gives me happiness, and if He ends up blessing me with a chance to stand on Baker Street and scream with happiness, well, I won’t be complaining. But no matter how imperfect my life story seems to be right now, I’m still trying to remember that at least the perfect storyteller is in control of mine. And He at least knows where His plot is going. And I can be content about that.

But He sure as heck didn’t give me this imagination for nothing.

And that’s why, every once and while, I dream of the seemingly impossible.

~Jamie