The past month I’ve come to some awareness to certain aspects of my life in regards to movies and TV, and writing about my thoughts is great therapy for me, so I thought I’d write this post up and share it.
Well, the last week was brutal fandom-wise for me; The Walking Dead mid season finale was devastating; I had tears in my eyes the entire last half of that episode and was very distressed. And as all my Twitter followers should know I flew through Season Four of Doctor Who and had to say goodbye to Ten, David Tenant’s Doctor. Through three seasons I got attached to him and his last farewell was very sad. I didn’t want to see him go. I did cry but it was after I shut down Netflix and walked away because Eleven’s sudden appearance broke the build of emotion (which I did not appreciate, by the way.)
But when I did cry, I cried hard because I felt I had once again lost another friend and that’s a very devastating feeling to me. I cried and cried in the bathroom for probably two solid minutes and then came out all red eyed. Kayla was very supportive of me that night and I ate sugar and watched Downton Abbey with Mom.
But it felt good to cry. And I’ve been crying more over movies and TV recently, which for a while I thought was rather weird. But I’ve realized that I feel better afterwards when I do. It’s because I am acknowledging that I am sad and am expressing it in a healthy way. It doesn’t stay pent up in me forever; I grieve because I care and when I’m done grieving I can pick myself up and move on. I think it’s been a healthy step for my emotional side, to become more in tune with my feelings and let them come out more.
That’s not the only thing I’ve realized in regards to myself with movies and TV the past few weeks. I’ve realized how I feel about Christian critical ‘thinking and sharing’ about films and TV, especially here on the Internet, for me personally. I’ve come to some conclusions.
For most of my teen years, my family spent all it’s time in a very conservative, small church circle. Movies and talking about movies didn’t really mix there. One of the reasons was because it was considered good thing to ‘think critically’ when it came to films. In many ways talking or sharing about movies with those kids became a very distasteful thing; it felt as though, if I or my sister spent more time talking about what we liked about a movie and not what we discovered was wrong about a movie, it felt like we weren’t quite as up to par as the rest of the children. This was part of the problem, of course, that I felt like I had to be up to par compared to other children who were being raised differently then we were.
And ‘thinking critically’–or rather ‘sharing critical thoughts out loud‘ rubs me the wrong way now because of those experiences, which includes experiences with my dad when he still lived with us because he really liked tearing movies apart. He nearly ruined our first viewing of Iron Man because of how much critical speech came out of his mouth the next day. It made watching movies almost a dread because I felt like I couldn’t enjoy the experience when I was going to have to tear it apart right afterwards.
Even though I’ve been away from that atmosphere-that more extreme thinking-for quite some time, I still sometimes feel that I must include with my movie reviews ‘warnings’ and/or proof that I still am up to snuff. And that’s burdensome. It weighs down on my spirit, being busy worrying if I’m spiritual enough for some people. I feel as though I am still stuck in the old even though I’m not.
And so I recently came to to the conclusion that from now, until I feel better about the entire matter, I will no longer write anything about a movie unless I want too. I won’t include or acknowledge un-biblical issues in movies on my blog UNTIL I have been able to recover or unless I really want to. But at this point I don’t want too for most cases because I feel like when I do, I’m only doing what some people expect me to do, or prove myself worth something in some sort of twisted sense that is not biblical at all.
I feel as though the only way I’ll ever be able to get back to real, biblical, proper critical ’sharing’ is to not do it at all.
(This would include me feeling responsible for warning people of anything distasteful in a movie; do your own research on a movie before watching! Everyone’s standards are different and what I might find except-able might not be in your book.)
Don’t get me wrong, I do understand the importance of thinking critically in regards to media and entertainment. But feeling like I HAVE to share my critical thoughts is horrible. I need to get back to just talking about movies and enjoying the good in them without an unhealthy old burden from three years ago still weighing on my head.
Coming to this realization has been very freeing. My mom is very supportive of my discovery of this and with support, I hope to be on a road to real recovery in this area in my life in the future.
In conclusion: I would like to encourage anyone who hasn’t done so already, to do some soul searching of your own. Come to grips with some things that you might be doing only out a fear and see if you can get to the place where you can either stop doing them or can do them for the right reasons. It’s very freeing, lemme tell you!
PS Short movie reviews now coming!