Summer Bucket List

So, I did a summer bucket list last year and I thought I might as well make one for this summer, too. I don’t know if I’ll feel like getting around to some of them (or if I’ll have guts to do one or two of them aka cutting my hair short) but it looks cool in a list. Like I’m going to be productive or something. And me thinks that’s a good first step.

Summer Bucket List

Pirates of the Caribbean marathon because it’s a pirate’s life for me.

Cut my hair short (Claudia Donovan style or Natasha Romanoff style; there’s almost no difference.)

Try to work more on Forever Fairy because its my story and The Doctor’s story.

Read more HG Wells or Jules Verne.

Star Wars marathon with family.

Slowly redo my wardrobe via Goodwill/Savers/thrift stores.

Have a water fight with my little brother for memories.

Continue to learn new piano pieces (mental note to learn Davy Jones’ music box melody.)

Begin Downton Abbey because it’s about time I see what it’s all about.

Decide whether I should attempt Camp NaNo again in July or wait for November ( and if I work in July, to attempt to finish a 30,000 word challenge.)

Skype with one of my internet besties because I really need to talk to someone, anyone!, soon.

Watch Dr Who; nuff said.

Sweat off a couple pounds in our blasted heat.

Blog faithfully here and elsewhere; also comment faithfully.

Attempt to get through my dark movies/Tim Burton/Johnny Depp stage and figure out if it really is just a stage or if I really do like darker, quirky, weird movies that happen to have Depp in them.

Read a ‘random’ new book off the mystery shelf from the library because that’s an exciting idea.

Continue going through some self discovery and come to grips with a few things.

Learn to talk more like Captain Jack Sparrow because it’s a pirate’s life for me, yo ho.

Okay, well, this looks very productive. I can’t wait to see what I actually accomplish. I need to remember to copy and paste this to a sticky note for my computer desktop, so I don’t forget it!

~Jamie

While I’m Floating

Well, life is strange right now; one day still blurs into another now that we haven’t gone to church for several weeks; going to church on Sunday always helped the week feel right; Monday felt like Monday and Tuesday felt like Tuesday. Not so much anymore but hopefully a new routine will help that.

I miss seeing people; church was pretty much the only place where I was able to socialize with people. I miss The Doctor a lot, I miss Sherlock Holmes a lot too; a year of reading Doyle’s works very faithfully every week set my mind in a certain pattern that I really miss. There was a security in doing the same thing every week: talk, pick a story, read the story, see each other on Sunday and gush over that story, talk some more and then pick another story. Week after week for at least eleven months; it was one of the few things that stayed consistently the same and it made me feel secure. It was nice knowing someone else was enjoying the exact same thing I was and wanted to do it with me as much I as I wanted to do it with him.

That pattern has now been shattered and I feel like I’m floating in space or under a great big river underwater not really knowing what to do now. No more reading, no more seeing my best friend, no more church. I miss it a lot.

The only problem with all this is that my dad will use (already has tried to use) the church and even my best friend as a manipulation tool to try to get me to start seeing him again on his time table and not mine. I do not understand why he can’t wait for me to be ready on my own time or that it is impossible for me to even consider attending a church with him. It hurts a lot to have things that are very dear to you used as dangled bait in front of your face as though your a dog who can’t see that’s it’s attached to a string. It’s hurtful and cruel.

I am thankful, though, that I do know what I need to do and that I now have the freedom hold my ground as to where my boundaries are and what I feel comfortable in doing. I’m done in being constantly run over, in being emotionally manipulated and being mentally frightened by what other people think. I need to do what it takes to protect myself; I’m done with being forced into a tiny box with no consideration to my feelings or needs as a person while being told that that is “biblical female submissiveness”.  I’m done with that crap and I’m learning to stand up for myself and for my mom and siblings against patriarchy that has been horribly twisted and blown way out of biblical proportion. Enough is enough. The sad thing is that very few people have been able to understand our side of it or are unwilling to see how big of a problem it is and that really sucks.

So, yeah, those are some conflicting feelings I’ve been working through and I’ve been very grateful to God that I, as of yet, have not yet been completely crushed under the pressure.

So, I’ve had been struggling a lot recently, but comfort things always come in handy around now; like reading. I recently picked up my collection of HG Wells’ novels and started the Time Machine as sort of an antidote against my Holmes-reading-withdrawal (I think I and The Doctor have become as addicted to Sherlock Holmes as he’s addicted to heroin, actually). It’s been an interesting substitute to say the least. I like HG’s way of titling characters without necessarily giving them all names, like “the Medical Man” “the Provincial Mayor” “the Time Traveler” “the Editor” and then there’s Filby, who  has quite the personality.

It’s different but interesting and enlightening in many ways in regards to my own writing style but I’m not going to get into that right now!

The other comfort is that Kayla and I have been together again since she’s come home. I helped her rearrange her room and we’ve watched a lot of The Office recently and a couple comedies together. Although we’re very different in personality and have different tastes when it comes to almost everything (clothes, music, ect), we get along very well, and it’s nice to have someone to lean on. We make a good team. And yes, I have been very grateful for having my own room now that she’s returned. Except that I’m directly under her bedroom and Nathan likes to be in Kayla’s room and he does not know how to walk softly, so in the morning it’s like a jack hammer is on above my head while I’m trying to sleep. My mornings have been bizarre as of late.

So anyway, to tie this kinda mash of ramblings together, I’ve kinda been floating through space here, but I’m learning a lot about myself and about my personal needs and personal convictions; I really hope this devastating experience really helps build and shape me into who I’m suppose to be in the future.

Because my story isn’t. over. yet.

~Jamie

cold body. warm heart.

I saw my first zombie movie about a few weeks ago; Warm Bodies, a pleasing twist to the classic Romeo and Juliet tale told in a dark but comedic way from the zombie’s point of view. Yeah, I know, sounds bizarre but when I first saw the trailer last year I knew I would want to see this movie. It looked clever, funny, dark, sweet and something new. Seriously, it’s a good trailer, watch it here if you want. (It’s also going to be the only place you’ll get from me on a plot summary; so if you want actual plot summary, go find your friend Wiki…)

Well, I went and saw it at a local cheap theater by myself (yes, my Mom knows I went and saw this, she dropped me off, lol) and I loved every minute of it. I’m pretty sure I was the only girl in there, too. lol.

For a film about zombies, who obviously eat people, there was little gore, which I appreciated. There was less language then I expected, only a few s words and one f that slipped in. The romance was not annoying and moved at a realistic pace, which always makes it way more enjoyable to watch. And it was humorous; I was smiling throughout most of the film from R’s commentary. I would agree with the rating of PG-13 for viewer recommendation.

R is my new favorite character right now, besides Merlin and Nick Burkhardt. He was protective of Julie, kept her safe and provided for her. For a zombie, he was quite the gentleman; reassuring, kind, knew when to give her space and time to herself, was never angry at her when she did things her own way and ended up putting herself in danger. And he loved her, and it was this love that began to cure his deadness. But more on him later.

Julie is the link between the zombies and the last of the human race. She is decent character in my opinion because she’s balanced. In a lot of movies, females are often portrayed as two extremities; their either completely dependent on the male hero in that she can’t even stand up on either of her feet and her complete happiness rests on someone else and she’s just useless. Or their completely independent, extremely able to kick-butt while in their high heels and their don’t need anybody for anything. Julie hits the healthy center between these two (both of which are unhealthy for anyone in existence ever.) She’s strong, she’s daring, she can shoot, she’s brave. She also is human. She’s fearfully like anyone else; while she can stand on her own two feet, she learns to except the help R is offering to her. And that’s not a sign of weakness.

The romance was good and pretty clean.  A lot of romances especially based after the Romeo and Juliet structure often have outrageously unrealistic relationships where both sides instantly fall in love and it’s just not believable at all*islookingatWestSideStory* (“instantly falling in love” is often confused with “instantly feeling your chemistry” in a lot of movies; learn to tell the difference between human chemistry and real ‘love’.) While R was instantly attracted to Julie and it’s not really explained how (considering he first sees her during a battle), it still works. Okay, just believe me, it works. However, Julie has a realistic amount of time for her feelings to grow from absolute fear, to curiosity, to being just friends to having real feelings. And R is patient with her; he doesn’t rush things, he waits for her to feel comfortable around him. And the longer they were together, the more human he became.

What was so interesting about this movie was that it wasn’t just one genre. The romance didn’t control the story but it was a large part of the plot. R’s commentary was funny and clever but the film wasn’t a comedy. And it wasn’t a zombie-gore-o-rama blood and guts film; there was little gore but there was some actual plot structure and character growth to it as well. I’m pretty sure that’s missing from a lot of zombie movies.

And the parallels to Romeo and Juliet were fun and different; instead of two warring families, it was humans against zombies. There was even a balcony scene that wasn’t cheesy. There was more at stake for R and Julie then just ‘their feelings’ for each other; there was the recently discovered ‘cure’ for turning the zombies back to humans and that was human love and interaction. Julie ultimately had to make her father (who was the leader of the human resistance) realize that many of them were changing because of what they saw in her and R; it reminded them of something they once had as humans. So, their relationship was actually important and influential; more then just selfish ‘but we’re in love and we want to be together’ crap.

So, that was very appreciated.

Ultimately, the message of the movie was that being alive, being human; life in general, is precious. R, a zombie, knew he was missing something and as he became more alive began to actually feel things that we feel everyday. So, you end up leaving the movie feeling grateful for things that you never thought about before; the fact that you can feel cold, the fact that you can sleep at night and dream your own dreams, that you have memories, and that you can interact and connect with others. That you can feel emotion.

This was excellent for me, because when you’ve gone through very hurtful situations where you feel rejected by those you need the most, the heart ache and hollowness can make you wish that you simply couldn’t feel things anymore. You start wishing that you didn’t have to care about anybody ever again because caring means you will eventually get hurt. And you start to close yourself off from everyone because that’s the only way you can think of to keep from being hurt. Again.

I’ve felt like an emotionally and mentally dead zombie for a while now because I’ve been so hurt but not given a chance to properly heal before getting hurt again. So I just started to feel dull and closed off. Yeah, I’m standing up and eating and moving through the day but the ‘you’ is dead. Like a zombie.

But R helped me appreciate my feelings in general. Life will always hurt, emotions will always be there to confuse me and people will always let me down. But being hurt means being human and being human is one of best things in the world. Because while love can really suck and it can also really heal. Like R, I’m want to start healing, to start changing, to start feeling again. Because being a zombie is both really inconvenient and no fun. If you stay that way, you eventually loose anything that was human about you and become something bitter and twisted, like the Bonies from the film. And there was absolutely nothing redeemable about them.

I know this movie probably wouldn’t appeal to a lot of you, but it means something to me. It’s helped face me towards a road of healing because I emotionally and mentally related to R in many ways. That might sound weird, but I’ve found over the last few years that hope and help come from the strangest places.

So, I highly recommend this film to the appropriate age group. It’s not a film for everyone, but it strangely helped and comforted me. I can’t wait to add it to my DVD collection.

Zombies. Whodathunk?

~Jamie

finally, pictures of my new room!

I finally have pictures to share of my new room, guys! I know, they are way overdue. But Wednesday I finally hung up the last two posters on the wall and straightened the  bookshelves and folded my blankets and; well, I basically got it as picture perfect as I could.

So.

May I present you my new room? (If you are wondering or have forgotten what my old room used to look like, you can check this post out to refresh your memory if you would like.)

^My bedroom door from across the hall.’Nuff said.

Okay, here’s a shot to give you an idea of what it looks like to just stop at my bedroom door and look in. You can see the “Dr Who” chair with all my pillows, the curtains my mom rehemmed (she also made the tie-backs that match the one pillow).

I stepped into the room to take this shot, you can see actually see my Batman headphones there on the desk, they unintentionally matched the Batman clock I got for Christmas.

Turn to the left and you can see what I have against my wall. My two shelves and yes, I have my clothes hanging on a double rack because Mom wouldn’t give up the closet for me to use (it’s full of canned and boxed food and I couldn’t have hung my clothes up in there anyway even if we did empty it.)

My Batman clock which I have sitting on my windowsill right now. I’m debating whether I want to keep it there or hang it over the window or hang it over my door….

A view of my desk if you stand in front of my clothes. You can see my candle and I was just using my C-3PO pez machine and the two pictures I keep on my wall of Kayla and Daryck and me and The Doctor. ALSO, THERE IS MY SHERLOCK POSTER!

I ordered this off Amazon and it looks amazing. It’s perfect. And, yes, I really do blow Sherlock and John both a kiss each night before I go to bed. I really do. Yeah, I know I have a screw loose somewhere in my head…. It’s kind of a ‘sorry/not sorry that I’m in love with them both’ sort of situation right now. But moving on…

Here is my matress on the floor, right next to my desk. No, I don’t mind sleeping on the ground, it’s worked out very well. Oh, my mom made that pillowcase. And those are the two posters I just put up. Sorry/not sorry I have an asylum nut and the boy scout right next to each other. I’ll probably rearrange the posters around when I get a Dr Who poster in the near future.

Oh, and here’s Sully! He matches my room and he is the perfect cuddling/hugging size. He scares away the monsters who lurk in the hall and closet at night for me.

Here is a shot of my door/behind my door from inside my room. You can see the covered shelves that my mom had to keep in the room, they hold the family movie collection. You can also see my large Captain America shield. It guards my door at night.

If you are standing at my desk, you can see the closet’s sliding doors that are right next to my door. Yeah, all that space I could have had but it’s still the family pantry. I will eventually hang posters on the doors though, so that’s nice.

I can’t believe I used to put my stuff all on one shelf before. I guess I did have half a closet at one point, but still. Having two shelves instead of one is really nice. You can see the top of my one, has my first Darth Vader helmet, my telephone replica and my tigers.

I’m very proud of this little corner collection. I love my Basil Rathbone/Sherlock Holmes tin that I randomly found a few years ago at Savers . You can see my pipe Kayla gave me for Christmas, my keys, my old pocket knife, my trick cigarette and my lipstick pen.

Here is my small and private dvd collection, which I am very proud of. You can see from left to right, Dr Who season two, The Avengers, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Sherlock seasons one and two, Star wars bonus material and The Phantom Menace, Spider-Man and Spider-Man 3, Toy Story and Toy Story 2 and yes I own Cloudy with Chance of Meatballs. So what if I liked that movie?!?!?

Here is my soundtrack collection which I have been building since I was about fifteen years old. And some of my nail polish. And yes, the sliver thing back there? It’s exactly what it looks like.

Favorite books collection right here with the rest of my nail polish. Also that brown container used to be a cocoa powder container but when I was fifteen I washed it out and put a slot in the top and I’ve been keeping spare coins in it for ages. Chocolate and money, how does it get better?

And I have only the top of my second shelf to show you; the Darth Vader head you see there is actually a boom box. I’m serious! It’s a boom box and it’s the coolest thing ever. When I’m hanging out tonight I’ll probably put the Beetlejuice soundtrack in it. And yes, that’s a top hat with a masquerade mask on it with another hat on top of it. And there’s Buzz Lightyear and Woody. And my box of matches.

I know some of you were probably wondering where all my Star Wars posters went; well, I put them in my new bathroom; it’s a loosely Star Wars themed bathroom now, which I absolutely love!

So, those are the pictures!

What do I like most about my room? Well…. I have it all to myself. No negotiating with anyone where I can put this or that or keeping things seperated or any of that difficult crap. That sounds selfish, but I think it’s okay that I can be glad to finally have some space and privacy to myself. I shared that room for seven years, it’s time I was able to shut a door and have someone actually knock before rushing in and disturbing me for once.

Is it very different for me? Yes. It is strange to wake up and be downstairs already. I rarely go upstairs now, and I’ve slept upstairs my whole life. The room that is now mine has been the family junk room (full of shelves with misc. stuff that had no place else to go so it wound up on the shelf) and the guest room/excersise room before and so on, so that’s odd. Never in a million years did I know that one day, it would be my room.

But now it is, and no longer that horrid yellow but a beautiful bluish/green with brown contrast and my posters up on the walls and it’s all to myself!

One thing I miss?

I can’t look up from my pillow at night and reach out and touch the stars. Okay, so, ever since I was about six or seven, I’ve slept on the top bunk. And, I should have been born blonde so that this doesn’t sound as bad as it does, but it was only within last year did the idea dawn on me that I could put glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Wait…. I was born blonde, it just darkened over time…. ANYWAY, I’M RAMBLING; a year ago I put glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling over my bed. And so, when I’m lying on my right side or on my back in the middle of the night feeling wide awake and thinking or feeling down, I would reach up and touch one of the stars. Because people say you should always reach for the stars, and for the last year of my life, I’ve been able to do that, figuratively speaking.

Not any more though, at least, not from my bed. I put them on the wall over the sink and mirror in the bathroom, so I suppose if I wanted to, I could get up out of bed, stumble across the hall, stand on the bathtub’s edge and smack one of them with my palm if I’m feeling really depressed, but that just won’t be the same. It certainly doesn’t sound the same, lol.

Anyway. I love having my own room but I have a feeling I’m going to appreciate it on a whole new level with Kayla home.

Lots of thanks to my mom who was open to the idea of me moving downstairs and put so much time and work into cleaning out and painting and even buying me new carpet even when we didn’t have to! Love you, Mom!

~Jamie

it’s hard to say goodbye

I need closure, I need to say goodbye, whether they ever see this or not (kinda like I did a year or so ago with this post when we left the last church) This is more for me than anything else…..

Dear Twins (or Thor and Iron Man),

I’m going to miss hearing you talk about The Avengers every week. I’m glad I was able to teach you checkers and I will miss our rematches. Thanks for liking my piano playing and making me play The Avenger theme a lot for you. I had fun matching all the kids up to different Marvel characters with you. I’ll miss your hugs and silly grins and accents. You both are very sweet and I will miss you a lot.

Jamie, or Miss America

Dear Zak,

We never talked that much but I would like to say goodbye to you too. Thanks for the ammunition you gave as a graduation present, that was pretty cool. Keep an eye on the twins for me, okay?

Jamie, another gunman

Dear Lauren,

I will miss not being there the next time your sister decides to surprise you. I absolutely loved all those adventures we had, especially when all us girls hid in the bathroom of that one store and we jumped out at you. I’m glad we got that on camera. I think your very strong and brave for your age and you have such a fun personality. Also, thank you for pushing me last summer to play the preludes for church. That really helped me get out of my comfort zone. So thanks.

Jamie, another musician

Dear Gabrielle,

It’s been fun getting know you. I remember the time when it was only you and me and one of the twins that went down to the park one Sunday and we ran around in the wash pretending to be SHEILD agents escaping from Loki; that was a lot of fun! Thanks for teaching Kayla and I all your card games and talking to us. Thanks for playing for church every Sunday, too, you are good violinist. I will miss you and your dry sense of humor.

Your older sister, Jamie

Dear Boys,

This isn’t really a goodbye, it’s a more a thank you. Because I really can’t say good bye to you both just yet and we do live only a mile away from each other, it would be weird and silly if we never saw each other again. But, I’m going to miss seeing both of you at church every week.

Dear Daryck,

Yes, you are a gentleman even though you tease me all the time; but I’ve simply taken that to mean that you are comfortable enough around me to tease me the way you do, which makes me happy either way. Thanks for talking to me all the time and for making me a fan of Halo even though I’ve never played it; I always liked hearing about your video game escapades and other stuff you’ve done over the week. And your movies, I always liked hearing about your movies. I’m very very glad you liked BBC’s Sherlock, I hope you didn’t sleep through the end of Reichenbach Falls! I will miss you and your jokes and teasing.

Your friend no matter what, Jamie

Dear Dylan, or Doctor, or Lord William, or Sheriff Will, or Sherlock Holmes; I don’t know what the heck to call you anymore,

We became friends very fast, didn’t we? I can only think of two other people whom I became friends with just as quickly, so our friendship is rare and meaningful to me. So, this isn’t goodbye, it’s just ’till our next adventure’. My book will remain on the shelf with bookmark between The Dying Detective and The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax until I know for certain that we won’t be able to finish it together. Thanks for reading all those stories with me and for introducing me to Dracula and getting me that collection for my graduation. Thanks for always talking to me and listening to me play the piano and trusting me during do-or-die moments during Cops and Robbers. We made such a dang good team! I will miss you very, very much but I will still  hold out hope that we will be able to read every single Sherlock Holmes story together! Thanks for being my best friend; thanks for everything. Remember I’ll always have your back.

With much respect and admiration, Jamie, or Dr Watson, or Deputy Penny or The Dame, or your time traveling companion; whichever you most prefer.

~

Dear Kayla,

You have been gone for a long long time, way over a month. And I have missed you. But you are coming home very very soon, and I’m so glad. Because friends come and go but I think you will always be there for me just like I’ll always be there for you. It will help having you back to keep me from being to lonesome for our friends. I can’t wait to start watching Dr Who together, and picking up where you left off with The Office and hopefully you’ll see more Warehouse 13 soon. We shall go to movies together and stay up late watching stuff in my room and we’ll read the old Cousins stories again together and we’ll keep being besties forever. I’ve really missed you and I’m glad you’re coming home.

Your sissy, Jam.

~

Goodbyes are terrible but

I’ve said ‘goodbye’ and ‘until next time’ and I’ve cried my tears and told myself I will see everybody again. But that doesn’t stop my heart from hurting. Because the worse thing about making new friends is that they will actually mean something to you one day. And when it comes saying goodbye to those friends a few years later, it’s just….

It’s just that, sometimes, it’s hard to let them go.

~Jamie