Summer Bucket List

So, I did a summer bucket list last year and I thought I might as well make one for this summer, too. I don’t know if I’ll feel like getting around to some of them (or if I’ll have guts to do one or two of them aka cutting my hair short) but it looks cool in a list. Like I’m going to be productive or something. And me thinks that’s a good first step.

Summer Bucket List

Pirates of the Caribbean marathon because it’s a pirate’s life for me.

Cut my hair short (Claudia Donovan style or Natasha Romanoff style; there’s almost no difference.)

Try to work more on Forever Fairy because its my story and The Doctor’s story.

Read more HG Wells or Jules Verne.

Star Wars marathon with family.

Slowly redo my wardrobe via Goodwill/Savers/thrift stores.

Have a water fight with my little brother for memories.

Continue to learn new piano pieces (mental note to learn Davy Jones’ music box melody.)

Begin Downton Abbey because it’s about time I see what it’s all about.

Decide whether I should attempt Camp NaNo again in July or wait for November ( and if I work in July, to attempt to finish a 30,000 word challenge.)

Skype with one of my internet besties because I really need to talk to someone, anyone!, soon.

Watch Dr Who; nuff said.

Sweat off a couple pounds in our blasted heat.

Blog faithfully here and elsewhere; also comment faithfully.

Attempt to get through my dark movies/Tim Burton/Johnny Depp stage and figure out if it really is just a stage or if I really do like darker, quirky, weird movies that happen to have Depp in them.

Read a ‘random’ new book off the mystery shelf from the library because that’s an exciting idea.

Continue going through some self discovery and come to grips with a few things.

Learn to talk more like Captain Jack Sparrow because it’s a pirate’s life for me, yo ho.

Okay, well, this looks very productive. I can’t wait to see what I actually accomplish. I need to remember to copy and paste this to a sticky note for my computer desktop, so I don’t forget it!

~Jamie

finally, pictures of my new room!

I finally have pictures to share of my new room, guys! I know, they are way overdue. But Wednesday I finally hung up the last two posters on the wall and straightened the  bookshelves and folded my blankets and; well, I basically got it as picture perfect as I could.

So.

May I present you my new room? (If you are wondering or have forgotten what my old room used to look like, you can check this post out to refresh your memory if you would like.)

^My bedroom door from across the hall.’Nuff said.

Okay, here’s a shot to give you an idea of what it looks like to just stop at my bedroom door and look in. You can see the “Dr Who” chair with all my pillows, the curtains my mom rehemmed (she also made the tie-backs that match the one pillow).

I stepped into the room to take this shot, you can see actually see my Batman headphones there on the desk, they unintentionally matched the Batman clock I got for Christmas.

Turn to the left and you can see what I have against my wall. My two shelves and yes, I have my clothes hanging on a double rack because Mom wouldn’t give up the closet for me to use (it’s full of canned and boxed food and I couldn’t have hung my clothes up in there anyway even if we did empty it.)

My Batman clock which I have sitting on my windowsill right now. I’m debating whether I want to keep it there or hang it over the window or hang it over my door….

A view of my desk if you stand in front of my clothes. You can see my candle and I was just using my C-3PO pez machine and the two pictures I keep on my wall of Kayla and Daryck and me and The Doctor. ALSO, THERE IS MY SHERLOCK POSTER!

I ordered this off Amazon and it looks amazing. It’s perfect. And, yes, I really do blow Sherlock and John both a kiss each night before I go to bed. I really do. Yeah, I know I have a screw loose somewhere in my head…. It’s kind of a ‘sorry/not sorry that I’m in love with them both’ sort of situation right now. But moving on…

Here is my matress on the floor, right next to my desk. No, I don’t mind sleeping on the ground, it’s worked out very well. Oh, my mom made that pillowcase. And those are the two posters I just put up. Sorry/not sorry I have an asylum nut and the boy scout right next to each other. I’ll probably rearrange the posters around when I get a Dr Who poster in the near future.

Oh, and here’s Sully! He matches my room and he is the perfect cuddling/hugging size. He scares away the monsters who lurk in the hall and closet at night for me.

Here is a shot of my door/behind my door from inside my room. You can see the covered shelves that my mom had to keep in the room, they hold the family movie collection. You can also see my large Captain America shield. It guards my door at night.

If you are standing at my desk, you can see the closet’s sliding doors that are right next to my door. Yeah, all that space I could have had but it’s still the family pantry. I will eventually hang posters on the doors though, so that’s nice.

I can’t believe I used to put my stuff all on one shelf before. I guess I did have half a closet at one point, but still. Having two shelves instead of one is really nice. You can see the top of my one, has my first Darth Vader helmet, my telephone replica and my tigers.

I’m very proud of this little corner collection. I love my Basil Rathbone/Sherlock Holmes tin that I randomly found a few years ago at Savers . You can see my pipe Kayla gave me for Christmas, my keys, my old pocket knife, my trick cigarette and my lipstick pen.

Here is my small and private dvd collection, which I am very proud of. You can see from left to right, Dr Who season two, The Avengers, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Sherlock seasons one and two, Star wars bonus material and The Phantom Menace, Spider-Man and Spider-Man 3, Toy Story and Toy Story 2 and yes I own Cloudy with Chance of Meatballs. So what if I liked that movie?!?!?

Here is my soundtrack collection which I have been building since I was about fifteen years old. And some of my nail polish. And yes, the sliver thing back there? It’s exactly what it looks like.

Favorite books collection right here with the rest of my nail polish. Also that brown container used to be a cocoa powder container but when I was fifteen I washed it out and put a slot in the top and I’ve been keeping spare coins in it for ages. Chocolate and money, how does it get better?

And I have only the top of my second shelf to show you; the Darth Vader head you see there is actually a boom box. I’m serious! It’s a boom box and it’s the coolest thing ever. When I’m hanging out tonight I’ll probably put the Beetlejuice soundtrack in it. And yes, that’s a top hat with a masquerade mask on it with another hat on top of it. And there’s Buzz Lightyear and Woody. And my box of matches.

I know some of you were probably wondering where all my Star Wars posters went; well, I put them in my new bathroom; it’s a loosely Star Wars themed bathroom now, which I absolutely love!

So, those are the pictures!

What do I like most about my room? Well…. I have it all to myself. No negotiating with anyone where I can put this or that or keeping things seperated or any of that difficult crap. That sounds selfish, but I think it’s okay that I can be glad to finally have some space and privacy to myself. I shared that room for seven years, it’s time I was able to shut a door and have someone actually knock before rushing in and disturbing me for once.

Is it very different for me? Yes. It is strange to wake up and be downstairs already. I rarely go upstairs now, and I’ve slept upstairs my whole life. The room that is now mine has been the family junk room (full of shelves with misc. stuff that had no place else to go so it wound up on the shelf) and the guest room/excersise room before and so on, so that’s odd. Never in a million years did I know that one day, it would be my room.

But now it is, and no longer that horrid yellow but a beautiful bluish/green with brown contrast and my posters up on the walls and it’s all to myself!

One thing I miss?

I can’t look up from my pillow at night and reach out and touch the stars. Okay, so, ever since I was about six or seven, I’ve slept on the top bunk. And, I should have been born blonde so that this doesn’t sound as bad as it does, but it was only within last year did the idea dawn on me that I could put glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Wait…. I was born blonde, it just darkened over time…. ANYWAY, I’M RAMBLING; a year ago I put glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling over my bed. And so, when I’m lying on my right side or on my back in the middle of the night feeling wide awake and thinking or feeling down, I would reach up and touch one of the stars. Because people say you should always reach for the stars, and for the last year of my life, I’ve been able to do that, figuratively speaking.

Not any more though, at least, not from my bed. I put them on the wall over the sink and mirror in the bathroom, so I suppose if I wanted to, I could get up out of bed, stumble across the hall, stand on the bathtub’s edge and smack one of them with my palm if I’m feeling really depressed, but that just won’t be the same. It certainly doesn’t sound the same, lol.

Anyway. I love having my own room but I have a feeling I’m going to appreciate it on a whole new level with Kayla home.

Lots of thanks to my mom who was open to the idea of me moving downstairs and put so much time and work into cleaning out and painting and even buying me new carpet even when we didn’t have to! Love you, Mom!

~Jamie

Currently:

Currently listening: to 2Cellos. If you like groups like Escalla then there is a large chance you will love 2Cellos. I’ve been listening to this song a lot recently.

Currently reading: well, about to start The Time Machine by HG Wells.

Currently drinking: Dr Pepper Cherry. Yum.

Currently missing: Kayla, who has been gone for about six weeks, The Office which I haven’t seen in several weeks, and I miss The Doctor.

Currently learning on the piano: Song for Sienna by Brian Crain and struggling to learn by ear the eleventh Doctor’s theme song, I am the Doctor, with the help of this video. It’s extremely hard, let me tell you.

Currently watching: Season 2 of Grimm and Season 5 of Merlin; also currently in love with both Nick Burkhardt and Merlin’s grin.

Currently tired: of always losing. Losing my stuff, losing energy, losing contact with friends, losing at go-fish against my six year old brother.

Currently writing: a bunch of blogposts. A bedroom picture post, a review of Warm Bodies, a post on my favorite characters, a post all on Dwight Schrute, a post on self-discovery and a goodbye post to my church friends who I will not be seeing for a long time…

Currently scaring myself with: the idea of cutting my hair short (think Claudia Donovan-style from Warehouse 13, only with curly hair)

Currently wishing: to go to another state fair. And to go to London. And to go to Washington state.

Currently excited: about finding SEASON TWO OF DOCTOR WHO FOR ONLY TWENTY BUCKS AT COSTCO LAST WEEK, DO YOU KNOW HOW CHEAP THAT IS AND HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS SEASON I CAN’T WAIT TO START WATCHING IT WITH KAYLA WHEN SHE GETS HOME. oh and for IRON MAN 3 WHICH IS ALMOST HERE I’M SO EXCITED TO SEE THAT MOVIE. oh, and for THOR 2 AND THE AMAZING TRAILER THAT JUST CAME OUT OH MY GOSH I LOVE MARVEL MOVIES.

Currently failing: at Camp NaNo. I thought I’d give it a try but it turned out I was just not recovered emotionally or mentally yet to try pushing myself at it this month. I’ve backed off and decided to give it another try in July. As long as emotional tornadoes stop dropping out of the sky on top of me, that is.

Currently stuck in my head: Made for You by One Republic. Blame the fan-tas-tic beat for that.

Currently praying: that things will calm down soon and that I won’t do such a bad job at painting my finger nails like I did last night and that I will be able to start getting up earlier again and that the next month will be a new, fresh chapter in life for me and my sister and my mom and little brother.

Really really praying for that last one.

~Jamie

Holding Back

I’m not really sure how to begin this post. It comes from deep inside and somethings are hard to share, for the exact same reasons I’m about to write about. Please bear with me as I try to explain the problem I’ve faced for years.

I fall short  to myself everyday, because I hold back. I hold back all sorts of things because I’m afraid of being hurt.

Some of you know me personally; if you’re lucky enough, you might have had the chance to see me come out of my mature, dignified shell that I wear when I’m out in public and let loose my silly bubble-brained sarcastic self, my real self. I don’t show this real self of minf in public that often; depending on who’s around, what’s going on and my mood from the last twelve hours.

I should be like my best friend and be my real self all the time, no matter where I’m at, what I’m doing; no matter what story I’m writing, or what person I’m talking to… no matter what.

But I’m afraid.

It’s not a silly fear. It’s happened to me before and that’s why I’m so cautious.

I’m afraid of being hurt. I’m afraid of what people will say, or think or react to the real, weird, awkward, silly me. I’m afraid of writing certain things, speaking different things, afraid of being myself on the center stage of life.

We live in a judgmental world, but the world I live in seems extra tight because my family’s circles run in different Reformed Christian circles. And don’t get me wrong, I love the Reformed faith, and I believe in it with all my heart. It’s just that… other people’s standards always seem so high. How can you be yourself when it looks like you’re thinking “unbiblically” or “wordly” from other people’s point of view.  Black Widow and Princess Leia are feminists, you shouldn’t like them! You listen to more then just hymns and classical music; don’t you know all pop music is bad? Ect, ect…. Do you see the problem? Not all my reformed friends are like this, I don’t even see the people who have often ‘attacked’ me like this anymore but it’s still left a mark behind to hide who I really am and what I really like and what I really think.

It’s hard to come out and be real when you’re afraid of looking like the typical back-sliding Christian teenager hitting adult hood when nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s just hard to be yourself anywhere, right? It’s hard to live up to the things you like and enjoy and not let other people bully you into something else just because it doesn’t reach their standards. It’s hard being real around others because I’m afraid they won’t like me anymore if they find out I’m awkward, scatter-brained and clumsy.  I’m afraid to be real.

I hold back from showing my real feelings to people as well. Because I’m afraid of loosing them. I’m afraid of being vulnerable to people because that often and almost always means pain in the future. I’m afraid of growing attached to people because sooner or later I will loose them and in a sense I will loose a part of myself. There are people in my life whom I know I should open up more too, whom I should show just how much they really do mean to me.  But I don’t. I wear different masks with different people, masks of indifference. Sometimes I attempt to say how much I appreciate or how much I do care but it is poorly communicated

But I have to stop being afraid.

I have to stop being worried about being judged by others and I have to stop being afraid of pain because I will always feel pain in the end. I have to tell people just how much they mean to me even if it might seem awkward. I have give my honest opinions and stop trying to please everyone.

I have to be a real person, a flawed person because that’s who I am. I have to stop trying to be the perfect model girl because no one can reach that point of perfection because perfect girls aren’t real and real girls aren’t perfect.

No, I shouldn’t just live with my flaws, I have to be constantly renewed; I have to learn from my mistakes and move on and not live in sin. But I can’t live trying to be something that I’m not.

This is what I want to work on in 2013, this is a resolution-like post, this is what I’ve been trying to say.

This year, I need to learn to be me. All the time. No matter who is watching and no matter who is judging and no matter what other think. I need to stop hiding my real feelings, I need to tell people how much I appreciate them, I need give love more. I need to stop being afraid, I need to stop buckling under…

I need to stop holding back.

~Jamie

Sucessfully Graduated

Well, my graduation/birthday party went well and without a hitch. It was a beautiful day, the weather was perfect and nearly everyone we invited showed up. There was just over fifty people in my house and backyard between four and eight o’ clock. The Boys’ family stayed till ten and we played Cops and Robbers together, so it was basically the best day ever.

I was very happy to be surrounded by friends from all times of my life. Old church friends and new church friends got along wonderfully. My old friends all told me as they were leaving, “I love your friends!” and my new friends were happily stating “Your friends are nice!” Everyone mixed well and I was pleased to hear everyone talking and getting along nicely.

Here’s one of the two chocolate cakes we got from Costco; the other said Happy Graduation. Mom got lots of balloons (I love balloons). There was pork sandwiches and meatballs, veggies and cheeseball. The meatballs were easy to make but it didn’t feel like it because my mom stressed over them for over a week and a half. We now have a running joke about how meatballs are stressful and they were suppose to be easy. lol

Everyone watched a slideshow of pictures that Kayla made and Dad gave this mini speech in front of everyone about it and it was quite nice. I got my certificate and everyone was clapping and cheering. Happily, no one asked the dreaded college question, except Dylan and that was after everyone had left and we were lying ‘dead’ in the front yard during Cops and Robbers and were simply talking. And it was okay because he said he probably wasn’t going to college either. And than we talked about Latin and shouted at Daryck to stop swinging over our dead bodies. Lol.

(me and my adorable adopted sister Nechet who wrote me the sweetest card; I love this picture! lol )

I got many beautiful gifts (and sweet, sweet cash, lol.) A hat from one dear friend, a beautiful scarf made with my favorite color purple, a necklace, several books, lots of notebooks and writing supplies. Some of the money has already been spent on See’s Candy, an Avengers Calender for next year, the official Avengers poster, and two shirts from the Disney store.

My favorite gift was easily the one Dylan gave me and that wasn’t until the Monday afterwards. Mom and I dropped off two tables we’d borrowed from his family at their house and Mrs B raced us inside all excited and was like, “Dylan just got Jamie her present, we literally just brought it home!” And inside he handed me a huge book which contained every single book and story of Sherlock Holmes by Arther Conan Doyle, complete with golden edged pages and a beautiful cream colored cover with Holmes’s silhouette on it. I’m so excited to now own every single Holmes story in such a gorgeous book; and to read them all with Dylan for the rest of the year. Thanks for the wonderful book, bro!

All in all, it worked out just about perfectly and I loved every minute of the party.  The family is still recovering a little bit but we’ve got the house all back in order and I’ve mailed most of my thank you notes already.

Everything school and graduation related is now out of the way and I’m ready for two more weeks of world building before NaNoWriMo begins!

Life is taking a change but I’m looking forward to it.

~Jamie