While I’m Floating


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Well, life is strange right now; one day still blurs into another now that we haven’t gone to church for several weeks; going to church on Sunday always helped the week feel right; Monday felt like Monday and Tuesday felt like Tuesday. Not so much anymore but hopefully a new routine will help that.

I miss seeing people; church was pretty much the only place where I was able to socialize with people. I miss The Doctor a lot, I miss Sherlock Holmes a lot too; a year of reading Doyle’s works very faithfully every week set my mind in a certain pattern that I really miss. There was a security in doing the same thing every week: talk, pick a story, read the story, see each other on Sunday and gush over that story, talk some more and then pick another story. Week after week for at least eleven months; it was one of the few things that stayed consistently the same and it made me feel secure. It was nice knowing someone else was enjoying the exact same thing I was and wanted to do it with me as much I as I wanted to do it with him.

That pattern has now been shattered and I feel like I’m floating in space or under a great big river underwater not really knowing what to do now. No more reading, no more seeing my best friend, no more church. I miss it a lot.

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The only problem with all this is that my dad will use (already has tried to use) the church and even my best friend as a manipulation tool to try to get me to start seeing him again on his time table and not mine. I do not understand why he can’t wait for me to be ready on my own time or that it is impossible for me to even consider attending a church with him. It hurts a lot to have things that are very dear to you used as dangled bait in front of your face as though your a dog who can’t see that’s it’s attached to a string. It’s hurtful and cruel.

I am thankful, though, that I do know what I need to do and that I now have the freedom hold my ground as to where my boundaries are and what I feel comfortable in doing. I’m done in being constantly run over, in being emotionally manipulated and being mentally frightened by what other people think. I need to do what it takes to protect myself; I’m done with being forced into a tiny box with no consideration to my feelings or needs as a person while being told that that is “biblical female submissiveness”.  I’m done with that crap and I’m learning to stand up for myself and for my mom and siblings against patriarchy that has been horribly twisted and blown way out of biblical proportion. Enough is enough. The sad thing is that very few people have been able to understand our side of it or are unwilling to see how big of a problem it is and that really sucks.

So, yeah, those are some conflicting feelings I’ve been working through and I’ve been very grateful to God that I, as of yet, have not yet been completely crushed under the pressure.

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So, I’ve had been struggling a lot recently, but comfort things always come in handy around now; like reading. I recently picked up my collection of HG Wells’ novels and started the Time Machine as sort of an antidote against my Holmes-reading-withdrawal (I think I and The Doctor have become as addicted to Sherlock Holmes as he’s addicted to heroin, actually). It’s been an interesting substitute to say the least. I like HG’s way of titling characters without necessarily giving them all names, like “the Medical Man” “the Provincial Mayor” “the Time Traveler” “the Editor” and then there’s Filby, who  has quite the personality.

It’s different but interesting and enlightening in many ways in regards to my own writing style but I’m not going to get into that right now!

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The other comfort is that Kayla and I have been together again since she’s come home. I helped her rearrange her room and we’ve watched a lot of The Office recently and a couple comedies together. Although we’re very different in personality and have different tastes when it comes to almost everything (clothes, music, ect), we get along very well, and it’s nice to have someone to lean on. We make a good team. And yes, I have been very grateful for having my own room now that she’s returned. Except that I’m directly under her bedroom and Nathan likes to be in Kayla’s room and he does not know how to walk softly, so in the morning it’s like a jack hammer is on above my head while I’m trying to sleep. My mornings have been bizarre as of late.

So anyway, to tie this kinda mash of ramblings together, I’ve kinda been floating through space here, but I’m learning a lot about myself and about my personal needs and personal convictions; I really hope this devastating experience really helps build and shape me into who I’m suppose to be in the future.

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Because my story isn’t. over. yet.

~Jamie

it’s hard to say goodbye


I need closure, I need to say goodbye, whether they ever see this or not (kinda like I did a year or so ago with this post when we left the last church) This is more for me than anything else…..

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Dear Twins (or Thor and Iron Man),

I’m going to miss hearing you talk about The Avengers every week. I’m glad I was able to teach you checkers and I will miss our rematches. Thanks for liking my piano playing and making me play The Avenger theme a lot for you. I had fun matching all the kids up to different Marvel characters with you. I’ll miss your hugs and silly grins and accents. You both are very sweet and I will miss you a lot.

Jamie, or Miss America

Dear Zak,

We never talked that much but I would like to say goodbye to you too. Thanks for the ammunition you gave as a graduation present, that was pretty cool. Keep an eye on the twins for me, okay?

Jamie, another gunman

Dear Lauren,

I will miss not being there the next time your sister decides to surprise you. I absolutely loved all those adventures we had, especially when all us girls hid in the bathroom of that one store and we jumped out at you. I’m glad we got that on camera. I think your very strong and brave for your age and you have such a fun personality. Also, thank you for pushing me last summer to play the preludes for church. That really helped me get out of my comfort zone. So thanks.

Jamie, another musician

Dear Gabrielle,

It’s been fun getting know you. I remember the time when it was only you and me and one of the twins that went down to the park one Sunday and we ran around in the wash pretending to be SHEILD agents escaping from Loki; that was a lot of fun! Thanks for teaching Kayla and I all your card games and talking to us. Thanks for playing for church every Sunday, too, you are good violinist. I will miss you and your dry sense of humor.

Your older sister, Jamie

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Dear Boys,

This isn’t really a goodbye, it’s a more a thank you. Because I really can’t say good bye to you both just yet and we do live only a mile away from each other, it would be weird and silly if we never saw each other again. But, I’m going to miss seeing both of you at church every week.

Dear Daryck,

Yes, you are a gentleman even though you tease me all the time; but I’ve simply taken that to mean that you are comfortable enough around me to tease me the way you do, which makes me happy either way. Thanks for talking to me all the time and for making me a fan of Halo even though I’ve never played it; I always liked hearing about your video game escapades and other stuff you’ve done over the week. And your movies, I always liked hearing about your movies. I’m very very glad you liked BBC’s Sherlock, I hope you didn’t sleep through the end of Reichenbach Falls! I will miss you and your jokes and teasing.

Your friend no matter what, Jamie

Dear Dylan, or Doctor, or Lord William, or Sheriff Will, or Sherlock Holmes; I don’t know what the heck to call you anymore,

We became friends very fast, didn’t we? I can only think of two other people whom I became friends with just as quickly, so our friendship is rare and meaningful to me. So, this isn’t goodbye, it’s just ’till our next adventure’. My book will remain on the shelf with bookmark between The Dying Detective and The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax until I know for certain that we won’t be able to finish it together. Thanks for reading all those stories with me and for introducing me to Dracula and getting me that collection for my graduation. Thanks for always talking to me and listening to me play the piano and trusting me during do-or-die moments during Cops and Robbers. We made such a dang good team! I will miss you very, very much but I will still  hold out hope that we will be able to read every single Sherlock Holmes story together! Thanks for being my best friend; thanks for everything. Remember I’ll always have your back.

With much respect and admiration, Jamie, or Dr Watson, or Deputy Penny or The Dame, or your time traveling companion; whichever you most prefer.

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~

Dear Kayla,

You have been gone for a long long time, way over a month. And I have missed you. But you are coming home very very soon, and I’m so glad. Because friends come and go but I think you will always be there for me just like I’ll always be there for you. It will help having you back to keep me from being to lonesome for our friends. I can’t wait to start watching Dr Who together, and picking up where you left off with The Office and hopefully you’ll see more Warehouse 13 soon. We shall go to movies together and stay up late watching stuff in my room and we’ll read the old Cousins stories again together and we’ll keep being besties forever. I’ve really missed you and I’m glad you’re coming home.

Your sissy, Jam.

~

Goodbyes are terrible but

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I’ve said ‘goodbye’ and ‘until next time’ and I’ve cried my tears and told myself I will see everybody again. But that doesn’t stop my heart from hurting. Because the worse thing about making new friends is that they will actually mean something to you one day. And when it comes saying goodbye to those friends a few years later, it’s just….

It’s just that, sometimes, it’s hard to let them go.

~Jamie

Awkward but Awesome


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Awkward: When you buy a new shirt and it’s even shorter then you thought it would be…

Awesome: when a black tank top underneath it solves everything and you’re glad you got it in the end, because, hey, it would practically have been a sin to leave that sparkly Batman shirt on shelf…

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Awkward: When it’s Christmas time and you can’t think of a single thing to put on your Want list…

Awesome: having just about anything you could want already and feeling content about it.

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Awkward: Having your first male dance partner of your entire life and being a little clumsy about it all, because, that can be just tad awkward…

Awesome: said male dance partner being really sweet and at least you’ve been a pro at line dancing for seven years previously so it ended up being totally fine at the end.

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Awkward: Looking like a dork after church because you’re holding your Sherlock Holmes book under your arm and looking out of place…

Awesome: forgetting about looking like a dork because you get too caught up in discussing the stories with your best friend and deciding how many chapters to read in the coming week.

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Awkward: Loosing a ring you got for your birthday.

Awesome: there is nothing awesome about this predicament..

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Awkward: Doing a post just like this an entire year and two days ago and not doing another one in between those time frames…

Awesome: there is just two days difference between this post and the last post: That is super awesome, I think.

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Awkward: Realizing your room is covered in Marvel Superhero posters and right up next to them is a poster of a DC villain…

Awesome: said DC villain is The Joker and he totally belongs on up on the wall because he is just as awesome as the Avengers, in his own menacing way.

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Awkward: Buying new jackets complicate matters because how are you suppose to choose between your Darth Vader sweater, your trench coat, your frilly knitted wrap and your brown leather jacket?

Awesome: Now having jackets that all match at least one thing in you wardrobe.

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Awkward: Why do awkward things always happen…

Awesome: …at least they make for great text posts.

~Jamie

This and That


NaNoWriMo begins in two days. I’m so excited. While I could be way more prepared, I’m feeling totally ready to just jump into my story. Read more of my thoughts on my writing blog, here.

Saturday was our last church’s annual Reformation Party and we attended; it was good to see everyone again. I actually didn’t show up in the traditional Renaissance clothes so it was a little funny. I was going for a biker/Victorian-esque type outfit and was told I hit the nail on the head (it’s about 95 % black). I personally loved it even though it’s so different. Everyone was laughing and I was even told I looked really cute! LOL! It was a lot fun; we did line dancing, Freeze Tag, and lots of talking with friends. I even got to talk to the new friends I made at Family Camp and that was lots of fun.

I finished a Study in Scarlett. OH MY WORD. BEST SHERLOCK HOLMES STORY YET! I think it’s my new favorite, I got so into it near the end and was actually holding my hand over my mouth through parts of it. Such a good story! Sherlock was really on his game in this one. I loved the end of chapter 3 where he basically told Inspector Gregson and Inspector Lastrade that everything they thought of the murder was incorrect and how he had come to a completely different conclusion and then he just walked out of the room like a boss. I could almost hear the Z-snap off the pages. Sherlock Holmes rocks and I love him.

Today The Boys got to hang over at our house for the afternoon and we played Cops and Robbers. We all ended up wearing all the Gothic/biker stuff I’d picked up and we looked ridiculously crazy. I can only imagine what the neighbors are thinking of us. We joked that it was the Halloween version of Cops and Robbers. And we used my new Captain America shield too (which, by the way, is about the same size as the actual shield and is super cool, even though it’s made out of cheap plastic. I love it and it came in handy dodging bullets. :) So, I’m super tired from all that today, so I’m going to cut this short and go start reading the next Sherlock Holmes story. It’s called the Empty House. I’m looking forward to it.

~Jamie

 

 

Sucessfully Graduated


Well, my graduation/birthday party went well and without a hitch. It was a beautiful day, the weather was perfect and nearly everyone we invited showed up. There was just over fifty people in my house and backyard between four and eight o’ clock. The Boys’ family stayed till ten and we played Cops and Robbers together, so it was basically the best day ever.

I was very happy to be surrounded by friends from all times of my life. Old church friends and new church friends got along wonderfully. My old friends all told me as they were leaving, “I love your friends!” and my new friends were happily stating “Your friends are nice!” Everyone mixed well and I was pleased to hear everyone talking and getting along nicely.

Here’s one of the two chocolate cakes we got from Costco; the other said Happy Graduation. Mom got lots of balloons (I love balloons). There was pork sandwiches and meatballs, veggies and cheeseball. The meatballs were easy to make but it didn’t feel like it because my mom stressed over them for over a week and a half. We now have a running joke about how meatballs are stressful and they were suppose to be easy. lol

Everyone watched a slideshow of pictures that Kayla made and Dad gave this mini speech in front of everyone about it and it was quite nice. I got my certificate and everyone was clapping and cheering. Happily, no one asked the dreaded college question, except Dylan and that was after everyone had left and we were lying ‘dead’ in the front yard during Cops and Robbers and were simply talking. And it was okay because he said he probably wasn’t going to college either. And than we talked about Latin and shouted at Daryck to stop swinging over our dead bodies. Lol.

(me and my adorable adopted sister Nechet who wrote me the sweetest card; I love this picture! lol )

I got many beautiful gifts (and sweet, sweet cash, lol.) A hat from one dear friend, a beautiful scarf made with my favorite color purple, a necklace, several books, lots of notebooks and writing supplies. Some of the money has already been spent on See’s Candy, an Avengers Calender for next year, the official Avengers poster, and two shirts from the Disney store.

My favorite gift was easily the one Dylan gave me and that wasn’t until the Monday afterwards. Mom and I dropped off two tables we’d borrowed from his family at their house and Mrs B raced us inside all excited and was like, “Dylan just got Jamie her present, we literally just brought it home!” And inside he handed me a huge book which contained every single book and story of Sherlock Holmes by Arther Conan Doyle, complete with golden edged pages and a beautiful cream colored cover with Holmes’s silhouette on it. I’m so excited to now own every single Holmes story in such a gorgeous book; and to read them all with Dylan for the rest of the year. Thanks for the wonderful book, bro!

All in all, it worked out just about perfectly and I loved every minute of the party.  The family is still recovering a little bit but we’ve got the house all back in order and I’ve mailed most of my thank you notes already.

Everything school and graduation related is now out of the way and I’m ready for two more weeks of world building before NaNoWriMo begins!

Life is taking a change but I’m looking forward to it.

~Jamie