Holding Back

I’m not really sure how to begin this post. It comes from deep inside and somethings are hard to share, for the exact same reasons I’m about to write about. Please bear with me as I try to explain the problem I’ve faced for years.

I fall short  to myself everyday, because I hold back. I hold back all sorts of things because I’m afraid of being hurt.

Some of you know me personally; if you’re lucky enough, you might have had the chance to see me come out of my mature, dignified shell that I wear when I’m out in public and let loose my silly bubble-brained sarcastic self, my real self. I don’t show this real self of minf in public that often; depending on who’s around, what’s going on and my mood from the last twelve hours.

I should be like my best friend and be my real self all the time, no matter where I’m at, what I’m doing; no matter what story I’m writing, or what person I’m talking to… no matter what.

But I’m afraid.

It’s not a silly fear. It’s happened to me before and that’s why I’m so cautious.

I’m afraid of being hurt. I’m afraid of what people will say, or think or react to the real, weird, awkward, silly me. I’m afraid of writing certain things, speaking different things, afraid of being myself on the center stage of life.

We live in a judgmental world, but the world I live in seems extra tight because my family’s circles run in different Reformed Christian circles. And don’t get me wrong, I love the Reformed faith, and I believe in it with all my heart. It’s just that… other people’s standards always seem so high. How can you be yourself when it looks like you’re thinking “unbiblically” or “wordly” from other people’s point of view.  Black Widow and Princess Leia are feminists, you shouldn’t like them! You listen to more then just hymns and classical music; don’t you know all pop music is bad? Ect, ect…. Do you see the problem? Not all my reformed friends are like this, I don’t even see the people who have often ‘attacked’ me like this anymore but it’s still left a mark behind to hide who I really am and what I really like and what I really think.

It’s hard to come out and be real when you’re afraid of looking like the typical back-sliding Christian teenager hitting adult hood when nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s just hard to be yourself anywhere, right? It’s hard to live up to the things you like and enjoy and not let other people bully you into something else just because it doesn’t reach their standards. It’s hard being real around others because I’m afraid they won’t like me anymore if they find out I’m awkward, scatter-brained and clumsy.  I’m afraid to be real.

I hold back from showing my real feelings to people as well. Because I’m afraid of loosing them. I’m afraid of being vulnerable to people because that often and almost always means pain in the future. I’m afraid of growing attached to people because sooner or later I will loose them and in a sense I will loose a part of myself. There are people in my life whom I know I should open up more too, whom I should show just how much they really do mean to me.  But I don’t. I wear different masks with different people, masks of indifference. Sometimes I attempt to say how much I appreciate or how much I do care but it is poorly communicated

But I have to stop being afraid.

I have to stop being worried about being judged by others and I have to stop being afraid of pain because I will always feel pain in the end. I have to tell people just how much they mean to me even if it might seem awkward. I have give my honest opinions and stop trying to please everyone.

I have to be a real person, a flawed person because that’s who I am. I have to stop trying to be the perfect model girl because no one can reach that point of perfection because perfect girls aren’t real and real girls aren’t perfect.

No, I shouldn’t just live with my flaws, I have to be constantly renewed; I have to learn from my mistakes and move on and not live in sin. But I can’t live trying to be something that I’m not.

This is what I want to work on in 2013, this is a resolution-like post, this is what I’ve been trying to say.

This year, I need to learn to be me. All the time. No matter who is watching and no matter who is judging and no matter what other think. I need to stop hiding my real feelings, I need to tell people how much I appreciate them, I need give love more. I need to stop being afraid, I need to stop buckling under…

I need to stop holding back.

~Jamie

Yep, that’s me and that’s my voice

If you’ve ever wanted to hear my voice…. or just see me in a video, now is your chance.

My sister has been working on a video that we made a month or so ago and she’s finally posted it in two parts on You Tube for a limited time for her friends to see. If you’ve not seen them yet, you’ll want to go watch them now by clicking the links below.

We were trying to make an interview, but it’s really not an interview. It’s… Kayla asking random questions (or saying she can’t think of any good questions) and me sitting in front of the camera looking like a derp and trying to answer all the odd questions that she does ask.

Part One: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGauYGTryyo

Part Two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5o96LZFtXtE

If you guys watch it, leave a comment and let me know!

Oh, there are a few shout outs to a few of the followers that popped into my head at the moment. (Savanna and Fallon, I know you’re mentioned more than once in both parts!)

I now am going into hiding. *grin*

~Jamie

In Which I Answer Kayla’s Questions

Kayla asked me some questions at her blog on THIS post and apparently quite a few people were waiting to see what my responses were, so I’m publishing them now before I forget.

1. Would you marry Steve Rogers if you had the chance to? Supposing he was a real person, of course.

Well, it would depend. He has most of the qualities I already want to see in my future husband, but I would still need to ask a few other questions, like if he was a born again believer…. Anyway, concerning the story, I really hope that he stays single; I think Peggy was his only love and I really hope that Sharon Carter character DOES NOT come into future movies. He just needs to stay single. Because Jedi-Chick and I will die if he doesn’t.

2. Would you rather meet Jane Foster or Britt Nicole in real life?

Kayla, do you realize how weird that reads? Jane Foster, a fictional woman of science, or Britt Nicole, a contemporary Christian artist…. Honestly, I haven’t thought of meeting eiether. I suppose I’d rather meet Britt Nicole.

3. What is your favorite quote from Jane Foster?

“I SWEAR I’m not doing this on purpose.” XD I think that’s what she said. Anyway, that was a funny part of the movie.

4. Are you annoyed I am asking you about Jane Foster?

I am really more confused… It’s not like I like Jane Foster or talk about her at all, so I’m kind of wondering why she’s the first thing that comes to your mind to ask me about….

5. Who do you like better, Luke or Leia? Why?

I like Luke better, because he’s obviously the main character of the Originals and the films showed more of his soul throughout the trilogy than Leia’s, so I feel more familiar with him than her.

6. Would you rather take math lessons with Thor or Black Widow? Assuming neither one has never taught math before.

I do not want to take math lessons at all, but I suppose I would rather do it with Black Widow. Thor’s magnificent power and presence would probably be a little distracting… (I would spend the time asking him about Loki, anyway.)

7. If you had the chance to give Black Widow a more modest jumpsuit or to forever erase the infamous bikini from ROTJ, which would you do? (Totally a sissy question)

The bikini. BY FAR, The bikini. As Carrie Fischer has said, that bikini came from hell and I want it to go back there forever….

8. What is your favorite thing about your sister, Kayla? (I hope this question doesn’t seem witchy of me.)

What does witchy mean? And…. I don’t know. I just like you as you.

9. Would you rather spend all day with Princess Leia or Black Widow? Assuming their characters came into your world for a day.

Well, one would have to first think about what you were going to do with them. If Leia–a government official–came to town, what would we do?? Hold press conferences about how Obi-Wan Kenobi is the only hope for this years presidential elections? Now, if I met Black Widow I could maybe meet Hawkeye through her…. So, that would be meeting TWO famous people instead of one…. I don’t know. I don’t care, I guess. It’s not like it’s going to happen, right? I guess I’d meet both; we’ll campaign for Obi-Wan Kenobi and Black Widow can take out all the rowdy people who get too excited.  And Hawkeye could also be there; he could report to Shield how The Avengers should team up with the Rebellion. How’s that?

10. If you saw Darth Vader standing on the sidewalk, would you go out to see him, or would you hide in the house and watch from the window?

What stupid person in their right mind would see the real Darth Vader–SITH LORD AND MURDERER– and run out to go see him? “Hi, Lord Vader, I’m such a huge fan of yours. Can I call you Anni?! Oh……. what are you doing with that lightsaber?” Uh, yeah, I would totally stay in the house and contact Shield somehow. “I think Loki has made contact with the Sith!”

11. Blasters or M9′s?

Blasters. They’re WAAAAY cooler. You can actually see where the ‘bullets’ go.

~Jamie